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Government Secrets

Wrestler wins match by singing national anthem mid-pin

A Buffalo wrestler’s mid-match rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” left his opponent paralyzed by patriotism, leading to victory and sparking conspiracy theories about government mind control programs. Wrestling authorities are now implementing “patriotism detectors” to prevent future incidents of weaponized nationalism in the ring.

Bizarre World News

Angelina Jolie opens sanctuary for misunderstood villains

Angelina Jolie has secretly transformed her Malibu estate into a rehabilitation center for fairy tale villains, with Maleficent working part-time as head counselor. The shocking sanctuary houses everyone from the Big Bad Wolf to Captain Hook as they undergo therapy and practice “reformed villainy.”

Bizarre World News

Bread Pitt cast in gluten-free action film

Hollywood insiders reveal that Bread Pitt’s controversial casting in a gluten-free action film has sparked outrage among celiac activists who suspect a sinister wheat industry conspiracy. Underground sources suggest the actor’s very name proves Big Wheat’s infiltration of the entertainment industry.

Aliens & Outer Space

Heidi Klum opens dimension through fashion runway

Heidi Klum accidentally opened a portal to another dimension during Fashion Week when her crystalline stilettos created a tear in reality, attracting alien visitors who were mesmerized by her designer footwear. The interdimensional beings spent several minutes studying the supermodel’s shoes before returning to their home dimension through the 12-foot-wide rift.

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