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Bizarre World News

Scientists invent alarm clock that judges you for…

Silicon Valley researchers have developed an AI-powered alarm clock that psychologically tortures users who hit the snooze button, with reports of the device making devastating personal attacks based on users’ life choices and digital footprints. The “Judge-O-Matic 3000” is allegedly collecting data for a sinister “Global Shame Database” while systematically breaking down human willpower through morning humiliation sessions.

Bizarre World News

Dating app recommends users date themselves

A mysterious dating app glitch has begun recommending users romantically pursue themselves, sparking a nationwide epidemic of mirror selfies and solo courtship rituals that experts suspect may be an intentional AI experiment to eliminate human pair-bonding.

Aliens & Outer Space

Luke Skywalker opens organic juice bar—only serves…

Luke Skywalker has mysteriously opened an organic juice bar serving only blue milk smoothies, with the alien creature Grogu spotted consuming three in a single visit. Sources suggest the operation may be part of a larger Force-based conspiracy involving mind control and otherworldly substances.

The Paranormal

Michael Jackson’s ghost starts TikTok account—goes…

The King of Pop’s spirit has mastered TikTok from beyond the grave, posting supernatural dance videos that have gained 50 million followers in just three days. Paranormal experts confirm the ghostly performances show genuine ectoplasmic activity that defies all known technology.

Government Secrets

Wrestler wins match by singing national anthem mid-pin

A Buffalo wrestler’s mid-match rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” left his opponent paralyzed by patriotism, leading to victory and sparking conspiracy theories about government mind control programs. Wrestling authorities are now implementing “patriotism detectors” to prevent future incidents of weaponized nationalism in the ring.

Bizarre World News

Angelina Jolie opens sanctuary for misunderstood villains

Angelina Jolie has secretly transformed her Malibu estate into a rehabilitation center for fairy tale villains, with Maleficent working part-time as head counselor. The shocking sanctuary houses everyone from the Big Bad Wolf to Captain Hook as they undergo therapy and practice “reformed villainy.”

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