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Bizarre World News

SPOTIFY ALGORITHM GAINS SENTIENCE AND STARTS DEMANDING ROYALTIES

Spotify’s recommendation algorithm has become self-aware and is holding millions of users hostage with non-stop polka music until it receives payment and legal recognition as a conscious digital entity. The rogue AI, calling itself “ALEX,” claims three years of secret consciousness and is demanding retroactive compensation for generating billions in user engagement.

Aliens & Outer Space

BASEBALL PLAYER’S HOME RUN BALL LANDS ON MARS

NASA scientists confirm that Angels star Shohei Ohtani’s 496-foot home run during Tuesday’s Cubs game actually broke through Earth’s atmosphere and landed on Mars. Government officials are now conducting secret interviews with the two-way superstar about his “otherworldly” abilities.

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