WORLD’S OLDEST MAN CREDITS LONGEVITY TO EATING ONLY KETCHUP PACKETS
Heinz investigates potential fountain of youth properties
POTTSVILLE, PA – The medical world is in shock after 127-year-old Cornelius Wickham revealed his secret to extraordinary longevity: a diet consisting exclusively of stolen ketchup packets for the past 89 years.
Wickham, who was officially verified as the world’s oldest living person last Tuesday by the Guinness Book of World Records, made the stunning admission during what he thought would be a routine interview at his assisted living facility. The revelation has sent shockwaves through the scientific community and prompted a full-scale investigation by condiment giant Heinz into what they’re calling “Operation Red Gold.”
The spry centenarian, who still performs daily calisthenics and plays competitive checkers, claims he hasn’t eaten a single solid food item since 1935. “People think I’m crazy, but look at me,” Wickham cackled, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “I’ve outlived three wives, seven doctors, and my own great-great-grandchildren. Meanwhile, everyone else is dropping like flies eating their fancy organic nonsense.”
Wickham’s bizarre dietary revelation began when a nurse noticed him hoarding thousands of ketchup packets in his room. When confronted, the supercentenarian broke down and confessed to his unconventional eating habits, which he claims began during the Great Depression when he couldn’t afford regular meals.
“I started swiping these little red packets from diners and cafeterias,” Wickham explained, tearing open his 47th packet of the day. “At first it was just to survive, but then I noticed something peculiar. While my friends were getting sick and dying off, I was getting stronger and more energetic. By 1940, I realized I’d stumbled onto something big.”
The story becomes even more bizarre when examining Wickham’s medical records. Dr. Margaret Thornfield, a gerontologist who has been studying extreme longevity for over three decades, admits she’s never encountered anything like this case. “Cornelius has the cardiovascular system of a 30-year-old, the bone density of an Olympic athlete, and cognitive function that surpasses most college graduates,” she revealed in a hushed tone. “According to every known principle of nutrition science, this man should have died from scurvy and malnutrition decades ago. Instead, he’s thriving in ways that defy medical explanation.”
What’s particularly unsettling is Wickham’s claim that not all ketchup packets work. He insists that only packets pilfered from restaurants, never purchased, contain what he calls “the essence.” Even more disturbing, he claims to be able to distinguish between different brands by scent alone and refuses to consume any packet older than six months.
Heinz executives, who initially dismissed the story as an elaborate hoax, are now taking Wickham’s claims seriously after their own internal analysis revealed anomalous properties in certain batches of their single-serve packets. Company scientists have reportedly isolated an unknown compound they’re calling “Compound X-57” that appears only in packets exposed to specific temperature fluctuations during transport.
“We’re dealing with something that challenges everything we thought we knew about human nutrition,” admitted Dr. Thornfield. “If Cornelius is telling the truth, and our preliminary tests suggest he is, then we may have accidentally stumbled upon the closest thing to a fountain of youth hiding in plain sight in every fast-food restaurant across America.”
The implications are staggering. Government nutritionists are scrambling to understand how a condiment composed primarily of tomatoes, corn syrup, and vinegar could possibly sustain human life, let alone extend it far beyond normal parameters. Some conspiracy theorists are already suggesting that food companies have been suppressing knowledge of these life-extending properties for decades.
Wickham, seemingly oblivious to the chaos he’s unleashed, continues his daily routine of consuming exactly 50 ketchup packets while dismissing researchers’ attempts to study him. “They can poke and prod all they want,” he chuckled, “but they’ll never figure out the real secret.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
