CLIMATE CHANGE CAUSED BY ALIENS USING EARTH AS A GIANT BARBECUE
Solar flares are just them lighting the charcoal
ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO – A shocking new theory about climate change has emerged from deep within government whistleblower circles, suggesting that rising global temperatures aren’t caused by human activity at all – but rather by extraterrestrial beings using our planet as their personal outdoor cooking surface.
According to classified documents allegedly leaked from a joint NASA-Pentagon task force, alien civilizations have been treating Earth like a massive barbecue pit for decades, with recent solar flare activity serving as nothing more than cosmic charcoal lighting sessions. The bombshell revelation comes from Dr. Marcus Thorne, a former astrophysicist who claims he was abruptly terminated from his government position after discovering the truth.
“The patterns are unmistakable once you know what to look for,” Thorne revealed during a clandestine meeting at an undisclosed location. “Every major temperature spike correlates perfectly with increased solar flare activity, which our alien overlords use to stoke their planetary barbecue. We’re literally being slow-cooked from space.”
The alleged evidence spans multiple decades of carefully suppressed data. Thorne claims that unusual electromagnetic signatures detected by radio telescopes worldwide aren’t random cosmic noise, but rather the equivalent of alien cooking timers and temperature gauges monitoring Earth’s surface heat levels. These otherworldly chefs apparently prefer their planetary meals prepared low and slow, explaining the gradual nature of global warming.
Maria Santos, a ranch worker from Nevada’s Area 51 vicinity, witnessed what she believes was direct evidence of this extraterrestrial culinary conspiracy. “I was checking on cattle when the sky lit up with these weird green flashes,” Santos reported. “Then this ungodly heat wave hit, but it felt different – like when you open an oven door. The air even smelled funny, kind of smoky and metallic. My thermometer read 127 degrees for about ten minutes, then dropped back to normal. No weather station recorded it because they don’t want us to know.”
Government insiders suggest this cosmic cooking operation explains several previously mysterious phenomena. Ice caps aren’t melting due to carbon emissions – they’re being deliberately liquefied to create planetary marinades. Ocean acidification isn’t from CO2 absorption but from alien seasoning compounds designed to tenderize Earth’s biosphere. Even Hurricane patterns allegedly follow extraterrestrial recipe requirements for proper heat circulation.
The conspiracy reportedly reaches the highest levels of international government. Secret meetings between world leaders and alien representatives have allegedly established “cooking quotas” – predetermined temperature targets that Earth must reach to satisfy our extraterrestrial overlords’ dining schedule. The Paris Climate Agreement was supposedly a cover story to hide humanity’s real role as unwilling ingredients in an intergalactic feast.
Thorne warns that recent acceleration in global temperature increases indicates the aliens are preparing for their main course. “They’ve been prepping us like a slow-roasted planetary turkey for decades,” he explained. “But the recent temperature spikes suggest they’re getting ready to crank up the heat for the final cooking phase. We might have less time than anyone realizes.”
The alleged alien chefs apparently consider certain regions delicacies, explaining why some areas experience more extreme temperature fluctuations than others. Australia’s record-breaking heat waves are supposedly the result of being designated a “well-done” zone, while Arctic regions were intended to remain “rare” until recently.
Evidence continues mounting that solar observatories worldwide have been monitoring alien cooking equipment rather than natural stellar phenomena. Mysterious facility closures and scientist disappearances reportedly occur whenever researchers get too close to uncovering the truth about our planet’s real purpose in the cosmic food chain.
As global temperatures continue their relentless climb, one question remains: are we witnessing climate change, or simply the final preparation stages before Earth gets served up as the universe’s largest barbecue dinner?
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
