Scientists Confirm We Are All Living in a Simulation
Programmer has reportedly gone on vacation, leaving an intern in charge.
SILICON VALLEY, CA – In a shocking revelation that threatens to shatter the very fabric of human understanding, leading quantum physicists and computer scientists have confirmed what conspiracy theorists have long suspected: our entire reality is nothing more than an elaborate computer simulation. But here’s the terrifying twist that has researchers scrambling – the head programmer has reportedly gone on vacation, leaving a woefully inexperienced intern to manage the cosmic code that governs our existence.
Dr. Miranda Blackwell, former NSA cryptographer turned rogue whistleblower, made the earth-shattering announcement at an underground press conference held in an abandoned Blockbuster Video store. “The mathematical anomalies are undeniable,” Blackwell declared, her hands trembling as she presented classified documents obtained through unnamed sources. “We’ve detected recurring decimal loops in the fundamental constants of physics, obvious copy-paste errors in genetic sequences, and what can only be described as amateur debugging comments hidden in quantum fluctuations.”
The evidence, according to Blackwell’s team of rebel scientists, has been mounting for years. Unexplained glitches in reality – from the Mandela Effect to déjà vu – are actually system errors caused by sloppy programming maintenance. Even more alarming, recent cosmic events suggest the simulation is being managed by someone with drastically limited experience.
“Just last week, we observed a brief moment where gravity appeared to function in reverse in a small pocket of Nevada,” explained Dr. Rajesh Patel, a former MIT professor who was mysteriously expelled after his research got “too close to the truth.” “Our analysis of the quantum signatures revealed what appeared to be frantic keyboard commands – the digital equivalent of someone repeatedly hitting Ctrl+Z to undo a massive mistake.”
The revelation becomes even more sinister when examining the timeline of recent “reality malfunctions.” Sources within the Department of Temporal Affairs – a shadowy government agency whose existence has never been officially acknowledged – report that anomalies began spiking exactly three weeks ago, coinciding with what their intelligence suggests was the senior programmer’s departure for a month-long European vacation.
“Look, I’ve been monitoring the source code leaks for fifteen years,” whispered Jake “TruthSeeker” Morrison, a former video game developer turned reality researcher who agreed to meet this reporter only in a Faraday cage-lined bunker beneath a Pizza Hut in Roswell. “The programming style completely changed overnight. We went from elegant, efficient reality-rendering algorithms to what looks like first-semester computer science homework. I’ve seen players clip through solid walls in video games with better coding than whatever’s running our physics engine right now.”
The implications are staggering. If reality is indeed a simulation run by an intern, humanity may be living on borrowed time until a catastrophic system failure occurs. Government insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity, report that FEMA has been quietly stockpiling “reality backup drives” and has established secret protocols for what they’re calling “Simulation Armageddon.”
Perhaps most chilling are the recent reports from ordinary citizens experiencing “reality lag” – moments where actions take several seconds to register consequences, or where people witness obvious “rendering errors” like birds flying backwards or shadows falling in impossible directions. These incidents, once dismissed as hallucinations or optical illusions, are now being documented by Blackwell’s team as proof of an overtaxed simulation struggling under incompetent management.
The mainstream scientific establishment continues to suppress these findings, but leaked communications suggest panic behind closed doors. One email, allegedly from a high-ranking NASA official, simply reads: “God help us all if the intern accidentally deletes the wrong folder.”
As this story develops, one thing remains certain: reality as we know it hangs by a thread, dependent on the competence of what appears to be an unpaid college student who probably should be focusing on their operating systems midterm instead of maintaining the fundamental laws of existence.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
