GHOST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAUNTS THE WHITE HOUSE
He's mostly just upset about the new curtains
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Sources inside the White House are confirming what paranormal investigators have long suspected: the ghost of Abraham Lincoln is once again making his presence known in the nation’s most famous residence. But unlike previous spiritual manifestations focused on matters of state, this latest supernatural visitation appears to be driven by the 16th President’s deep dissatisfaction with recent interior decorating choices.
Multiple White House staff members, speaking on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of their claims, report a dramatic increase in unexplained phenomena since the Executive Mansion’s latest redecoration project was completed last month. The incidents, ranging from mysteriously rearranged furniture to the phantom sound of heavy footsteps pacing the Lincoln Bedroom at all hours, have left even seasoned Washington insiders rattled.
“I was working late in the West Wing when I heard what sounded like someone dragging heavy curtains across the floor,” revealed a longtime White House custodial worker who has served under three different administrations. “When I went to investigate, I saw this tall, gaunt figure in a black suit examining the new drapes in the Blue Room. He turned to look at me, shook his head disapprovingly, and just… vanished. I recognized that face immediately from every history book I’ve ever seen.”
The ghostly encounters appear to center around the mansion’s recent $2.3 million window treatment upgrade, which replaced the previous administration’s traditional gold brocade curtains with what interior designers described as “contemporary sage-green sustainable fabric with geometric patterns inspired by modern American art movements.”
Dr. Margaret Thornfield, a leading expert in presidential paranormal activity and author of “Spirits of State: Supernatural Encounters in American Politics,” believes Lincoln’s materialization represents a classic case of spiritual aesthetic distress.
“Abraham Lincoln was a man of simple, classic tastes who deeply respected tradition and historical continuity,” Dr. Thornfield explained during an exclusive interview. “These modern design choices would be profoundly jarring to someone who valued dignity and timeless elegance. We’re essentially witnessing the supernatural equivalent of a strongly worded letter to the editor, except the editor happens to be the current occupant of the Oval Office.”
The paranormal activity has reportedly escalated beyond mere curtain criticism. Security footage allegedly shows doors opening and closing by themselves in rooms that have undergone recent renovations. Several staff members have reported finding vintage wallpaper samples mysteriously appearing on desks, always accompanied by the faint scent of pipe tobacco – a known calling card of Lincoln’s spirit according to decades of documented White House hauntings.
Perhaps most disturbing are the reports of phantom rearranging. Maintenance crews arrive each morning to find newly hung artwork turned to face the wall, contemporary light fixtures unscrewed and carefully placed in corners, and modern furniture repositioned to recreate Civil War-era room arrangements that match historical photographs of Lincoln’s actual presidency.
The situation has become so disruptive that White House operations staff have quietly consulted with both feng shui experts and Episcopal clergy, though neither group has been officially acknowledged. Rumors persist that a covert redecorating committee has been formed to identify compromise solutions that might appease the increasingly agitated presidential specter.
Ghost-hunting equipment allegedly smuggled into the building by sympathetic staffers has reportedly captured electromagnetic readings consistent with major supernatural manifestations, particularly in areas where the new curtains have been installed. These readings spike dramatically during evening hours, coinciding with witness reports of Lincoln’s ghostly figure examining window treatments with obvious disapproval.
White House officials have declined to comment on these reports, maintaining their standard policy of neither confirming nor denying paranormal activity within the presidential residence. However, sources suggest that emergency consultations with historical preservation societies and Civil War-era interior design experts are already underway, as the administration seeks to restore peace between the living and the aesthetically offended dead.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
