Man Sells His Soul for Front Row Taylor Swift Tickets
Satan admits it was "a surprisingly fair trade."
NASHVILLE, TN – A local insurance adjuster’s desperate bid for Taylor Swift concert tickets has resulted in what biblical scholars are calling “the most economically sound soul transaction since the invention of credit cards.”
Jeremy Thornfield, 34, made headlines this week after security footage from Nashville’s Music City Center allegedly captured him completing a supernatural bargain with a horned figure wearing what witnesses described as “surprisingly stylish designer sunglasses.” The transaction netted Thornfield two front-row seats to Swift’s sold-out Eras Tour show, valued at approximately $8,000 on the secondary market.
“I saw the whole thing go down,” said Marissa Chen, a barista at the nearby coffee shop who witnessed the alleged supernatural exchange. “This guy was literally crying into his phone about how he couldn’t get tickets for his daughter’s birthday. Then this really tall dude in a red suit walks up, they shake hands, and suddenly Jeremy’s jumping up and down waving these golden tickets that seemed to glow.”
The incident began when Thornfield, facing another year of disappointing his 16-year-old daughter Madison, reportedly shouted “I’d sell my soul for Taylor Swift tickets!” outside the venue where hundreds of hopeful fans had gathered despite the show being sold out for months.
According to multiple eyewitness accounts, a well-dressed gentleman immediately approached Thornfield with a briefcase containing what appeared to be official Ticketmaster documentation. The mysterious figure, who introduced himself only as “Lou,” allegedly produced a contract written in what experts later identified as ancient Aramaic mixed with modern corporate legal jargon.
“The really weird part was how professional the whole thing seemed,” Chen continued. “Lou had business cards, a tablet for the digital signature, even one of those little card readers for processing fees. Very corporate, very official.”
Dr. Mortimer Blackthorne, Professor of Infernal Economics at Miskatonic University, examined photos of the alleged contract and proclaimed the deal “shockingly reasonable by underworld standards.”
“Typically, we see soul transactions involving world domination, immortality, or supernatural powers,” Blackthorne explained. “But Taylor Swift tickets? Honestly, given the current market value and the emotional significance to his family, Satan probably got the raw deal here. A human soul, properly valued in today’s economy, should be worth at least $50,000. Two front-row Swift tickets barely crack eight grand.”
The authenticity of the supernatural encounter gained credibility when Thornfield’s tickets were verified as genuine by Ticketmaster’s fraud detection system, despite no record of their original sale or transfer. The seats, located in Section A, Row 1, had mysteriously appeared in the venue’s computer system with a purchase history showing only “SPECIAL ACCOMMODATION – EXECUTIVE OVERRIDE.”
Madison Thornfield, the beneficiary of her father’s alleged damnation, seemed unconcerned about the spiritual implications. “Dad’s been basically soulless since he started working in insurance anyway,” she told reporters. “At least now I get to see Taylor Swift perform ‘All Too Well’ from close enough to see her tears.”
The story took an even stranger turn when a spokesperson claiming to represent “Infernal Enterprises LLC” issued a press statement defending the transaction. The release, sent from an email address ending in “@hellcorp.biz,” stated that “Mr. Thornfield’s soul showed excellent depreciation potential and modest retained value despite years of corporate employment. We consider this a fair market exchange and look forward to doing business with other Swifties.”
Local religious leaders have called for an investigation into what they’re terming “the commercialization of eternal damnation.” Meanwhile, ticket scalpers throughout the city have reportedly begun experimenting with increasingly dramatic sales pitches, though none have yet matched Thornfield’s success.
The concert took place as scheduled, with attendees noting that Thornfield and his daughter appeared to be having “supernaturally good time” throughout the three-hour performance.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
