Subway Sandwich Artist is Secretly a Wizard
Can turn meatballs into solid gold, but only on Tuesdays.
TOLEDO, OHIO – The fluorescent lights of a seemingly ordinary Subway restaurant on Elm Street have been hiding one of the most extraordinary secrets in modern history. Marcus Thornfield, 34, who has been slinging sandwiches and cheerfully asking “Would you like that toasted?” for the past seven years, is actually a practicing wizard with the unprecedented ability to transmute Italian meatballs into solid gold – but only on Tuesdays.
The shocking revelation came to light last Tuesday when regular customer Beverly Hutchins witnessed what she initially thought was a terrible accident. “I was ordering my usual turkey and swiss when Marcus dropped the tongs right into the meatball marinara,” Hutchins recalled, her voice still trembling from the experience. “But instead of fishing them out, he just stared at the container and whispered something under his breath. The next thing I knew, those meatballs were gleaming like little golden orbs!”
According to sources close to the investigation, Thornfield has been practicing what ancient texts refer to as “Culinary Transmutation Magic” – a rare form of wizardry that specifically targets processed meat products. Tuesday, governed by Mars in the mystical calendar, apparently provides the precise planetary alignment necessary for his powers to manifest.
Dr. Helena Blackthorne, a professor of Occult Sciences at the Underground University of Metaphysical Studies, explains the phenomenon: “What we’re seeing here is a textbook case of cyclical alchemical manipulation. The Tuesday limitation isn’t arbitrary – it’s tied to the ancient Roman god Mars, who had dominion over both war and ironworking. Meatballs, being spherical representations of celestial bodies, become perfect conduits for transmutation energy on Mars’ day.”
The conspiracy runs deeper than anyone initially suspected. Store security footage obtained by this reporter reveals that Thornfield has been systematically creating golden meatballs every Tuesday for months, carefully concealing them in what appears to be an ordinary employee locker. Each transformed meatball, roughly one inch in diameter, is worth approximately $3,200 at current gold prices.
But why meatballs? Why Subway? And most importantly, why only Tuesdays? The answers lie in Thornfield’s mysterious past. Birth records show he was born during a rare astrological event known as the “Marinara Eclipse,” when Mars, Venus, and Jupiter aligned perfectly over the Subway corporate headquarters in Milford, Connecticut. Local mystics believe this cosmic coincidence marked him as the chosen vessel for ancient Italian food magic.
Fellow employees have begun connecting the dots to previously unexplained incidents. “Now I understand why Marcus always volunteered for Tuesday shifts,” confided assistant manager Jennifer Walsh, speaking on condition of anonymity. “And there was that weird smell – not like cooking food, more like… burning sulfur mixed with oregano.”
The Subway corporation has remained suspiciously silent about the allegations, issuing only a brief statement claiming they “take all employee activities seriously and are conducting a thorough review.” Industry insiders suggest the company may have known about Thornfield’s abilities all along, possibly explaining their recent expansion into international markets.
Government agents from an unnamed three-letter agency reportedly visited the restaurant yesterday, though official sources deny any federal investigation. Local witnesses describe seeing unmarked vans and individuals in dark suits examining the meatball station with sophisticated detection equipment.
Thornfield himself has vanished without a trace, abandoning his post mid-shift on Wednesday. His employee locker was found empty except for a single note written in what appeared to be golden ink: “The meatballs choose their own destiny. Find me when the moon is full and the marinara runs red.”
As this investigation continues, one question haunts everyone involved: if Marcus Thornfield could turn meatballs into gold, what other fast-food sorcerers might be hiding in plain sight among us?
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
