Mermaid Washes Ashore, Immediately Tries to Sell You Essential Oils
Has a "life-changing" kelp-based pyramid scheme for you.
MALIBU, CA – A shocking discovery on Paradise Cove Beach has left beachgoers questioning everything they thought they knew about marine life – and multilevel marketing schemes. What appeared to be a routine morning surf session turned into an underwater entrepreneur’s pitch meeting when a genuine mermaid washed ashore and immediately began hawking essential oils to stunned onlookers.
The creature, who identified herself as “Aquamarina Reef-Sterling,” emerged from the waves at approximately 6:47 AM Tuesday, her iridescent tail glistening in the early morning sun. But instead of the mystical wisdom one might expect from a legendary sea being, witnesses report she launched into an aggressive sales presentation about her “revolutionary” kelp-based wellness products.
“I was just trying to catch some waves before work when this mermaid literally flopped onto the sand next to me,” said local surfer Jake Morrison, still visibly shaken by the encounter. “Before I could even process what I was seeing, she’s telling me about how conventional medicine is a scam and that her SeaWeed Solutions starter kit could ‘transform my human existence’ for just three easy payments of $89.99.”
According to multiple eyewitnesses, Aquamarina had clearly prepared for this moment. Despite having no legs, she expertly maneuvered a waterproof briefcase filled with laminated product catalogs, testimonial videos on a solar-powered tablet, and samples of various algae-infused oils that allegedly cure everything from landlubber depression to what she termed “chakra barnacles.”
The mermaid’s sales pitch reportedly included claims that her products were “harvested from the pristine depths of the Mariana Trench” and had been “blessed by ancient whale song frequencies.” She insisted that humans living on dry land were suffering from “severe mineral depletion” that only her patented blend of deep-sea nutrients could address.
Dr. Melissa Thornton, a marine biologist at UC Santa Barbara who was called to investigate, expressed deep concern about the implications. “What we’re witnessing here appears to be the aquatic infiltration of pyramid scheme culture into mythological sea creature society. This represents a disturbing evolution in both cryptozoology and predatory business practices.”
Beach patrol officer Rick Valdez reported that Aquamarina refused to leave the shore until she had “shared the gift of oceanic abundance” with at least fifty potential customers. She allegedly offered special “founding member” discounts to anyone willing to sign up additional recruits from their “surface world network.”
The situation escalated when the mermaid began live-streaming her sales presentation on multiple social media platforms, using hashtags like #BossSeaBabe and #MermaidMillionaire. Her feed, which garnered over 10,000 followers within hours, features glamorous underwater selfies interspersed with income disclosure statements written on kelp leaves.
Most disturbing to investigators is evidence suggesting Aquamarina isn’t working alone. Cryptozoology experts have uncovered a vast underwater network of mythical creatures engaged in similar schemes. Preliminary reports indicate that sirens throughout the Mediterranean have been pushing anti-aging sea foam treatments, while selkies off the Scottish coast are allegedly recruiting for a suspicious “Seal Skin Renewal” program.
“The tentacles of this operation run deeper than we initially suspected,” warned Dr. Thornton. “We’re dealing with what appears to be the first documented case of interspecies MLM recruitment, with potentially devastating consequences for both marine ecosystems and gullible humans.”
As authorities worked to convince Aquamarina to return to deeper waters, she reportedly left behind hundreds of business cards made from compressed seaweed, each promising that her essential oils could help humans “unlock their inner aquatic potential” and achieve “financial freedom through the power of the deep.”
The investigation continues as marine biologists work with federal trade officials to determine whether existing consumer protection laws apply to sales pitches from mythological sea creatures.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
