Man Who Has Done “His Own Research” Discovers Gravity Isn’t Real
Is currently floating away, sources say.
TULSA, OKLAHOMA – A local man’s determination to “do his own research” has led to what scientists are calling either the most revolutionary discovery in physics or the most spectacular case of self-delusion in recorded history, as witnesses report he has begun floating approximately three feet off the ground and rising steadily.
Gerald “Gary” Pemberton, 47, a former insurance adjuster turned full-time internet researcher, made headlines last Tuesday when he announced on his blog “Truth Seekers United” that gravity is nothing more than an elaborate hoax perpetrated by “Big Science” to keep humanity literally grounded. Within hours of publishing his findings, neighbors began reporting the extraordinary sight of Pemberton gently hovering above his front lawn.
“I always knew something was fishy about the whole ‘invisible force pulling everything down’ story,” Pemberton shouted from his current position roughly 15 feet above his ranch-style home. “Newton was clearly a government plant, probably working for the same shadow organizations that convinced everyone the Earth is round!”
According to his 847-page manifesto, which he claims took him “six months of rigorous YouTube university education” to complete, Pemberton argues that what we perceive as gravity is actually the result of mass hypnosis combined with specially designed footwear distributed by a cabal of physicists working in conjunction with shoe manufacturers worldwide.
Local resident Martha Wickham witnessed the beginning of what she describes as Pemberton’s “ascension to truth.” She told reporters, “I was watering my petunias when I heard this whooping sound. I looked over and there was Gary, just floating there like a parade balloon, yelling about how he’d ‘cracked the code’ and ‘freed himself from the lies of Isaac Newton.’ Honestly, I thought someone had slipped something in my morning coffee.”
The phenomenon has attracted attention from the scientific community, though experts remain skeptical of Pemberton’s methodology and conclusions. Dr. Helena Vasquez, a theoretical physicist at the nearby University of Oklahoma, examined video footage of the floating man and offered her professional assessment.
“What we’re observing here defies every known law of physics,” Dr. Vasquez stated during a hastily organized press conference. “However, I must point out that Mr. Pemberton’s research appears to consist entirely of watching conspiracy videos and reading blog posts written by people who believe birds are government surveillance drones. His bibliography includes 312 YouTube channels but zero peer-reviewed scientific journals.”
Pemberton’s research journey began innocuously enough six months ago when he questioned why helium balloons float upward. Unsatisfied with traditional scientific explanations, he dove deep into alternative research sources, spending upwards of 16 hours daily consuming content that challenged mainstream physics. His breakthrough moment allegedly came while watching a video titled “GRAVITY EXPOSED: What THEY Don’t Want You to Know!!!” at 3:47 AM last Monday.
“The truth was right there in front of us the whole time,” Pemberton declared, now approximately 20 feet above ground level and slowly drifting toward the municipal water tower. “Gravity isn’t a force – it’s a mindset! Once you reject their programming and truly believe in your freedom from their fake science, your body naturally returns to its default floating state!”
Local authorities have cordoned off a six-block radius around Pemberton’s home as crowds of curious onlookers, fellow conspiracy theorists, and concerned family members gather to witness the spectacle. The FAA has issued a temporary flight restriction for the area, citing concerns about aircraft safety as Pemberton continues his upward trajectory.
Fire Chief Robert Martinez confirmed that his department has been monitoring the situation but admits they’re ill-equipped to handle a “gravitationally liberated citizen.” Emergency services have requested assistance from NASA, though the space agency has yet to respond to what one spokesperson privately described as “the weirdest Tuesday ever.”
As of press time, Pemberton had reached an altitude of approximately 40 feet and showed no signs of returning to Earth, continuing to shout his theories about government-controlled physics while neighbors below expressed a mixture of amazement, concern, and requests for him to please stop floating over their property.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
