Man Builds Functioning Time Machine Out of a DeLorean
Goes back to 1995, invests entire life savings in Beanie Babies.
HILL VALLEY, CALIFORNIA – A local inventor’s desperate attempt to become rich through time travel has backfired spectacularly, leaving him with a garage full of worthless stuffed animals and a shocking revelation about temporal paradoxes that government scientists are desperately trying to suppress.
Dr. Marcus Fleishman, 47, a former Caltech physicist turned reclusive tinkerer, successfully constructed what sources confirm is the world’s first functioning time machine using a modified 1981 DeLorean DMC-12. However, instead of using his revolutionary discovery to prevent disasters or cure diseases, Fleishman traveled back to 1995 with a singular mission: investing his entire $847,000 life savings in what he believed would be the investment opportunity of the century – Beanie Babies.
“I remember the craze, the lines around the block, people paying thousands for a single bear,” Fleishman explained from his cluttered workshop, surrounded by towers of polyester-filled collectibles. “I figured if I got in early, really early, I’d corner the market and become a billionaire. The math was perfect.”
What Fleishman didn’t account for was the devastating effect his time travel would have on the collectibles market itself. According to classified documents obtained by this reporter, Fleishman’s massive early investment actually caused Ty Inc. to overproduce the toys, flooding the market and accelerating the crash that occurred in late 1999.
The DeLorean, which Fleishman purchased from a bankruptcy auction, underwent extensive modifications in his home laboratory. Witnesses report seeing strange blue flashes emanating from his property for months before his temporal journey. Neighbor Patricia Valdez described the night of his departure as “absolutely terrifying.”
“The whole house lit up like the Fourth of July,” Valdez reported. “There was this horrible screeching sound, like metal being torn apart, and then Marcus and his car just vanished into thin air. Three days later, he reappeared looking twenty years older with a U-Haul full of stuffed animals.”
Government agents reportedly descended on Fleishman’s property within hours of his return, confiscating what sources describe as “several cubic tons” of Beanie Babies and attempting to seize his time machine. However, Fleishman had apparently anticipated this response and hidden the DeLorean’s flux capacitor – the device’s crucial component – in an undisclosed location.
Dr. Elena Rodriguez, a theoretical physicist at MIT who has studied Fleishman’s claims, warns that his experiment may have created dangerous ripple effects throughout the timeline. “What this man has done is incredibly reckless,” Rodriguez stated. “His interference with the Beanie Baby market has likely altered thousands of lives. We’re seeing evidence of micro-paradoxes appearing throughout the late 1990s.”
These “micro-paradoxes” allegedly include unexplained changes to popular culture, including movies that were never made, songs that disappeared from the charts, and celebrities whose careers inexplicably shifted. Sources within the Department of Temporal Affairs – a secret government agency whose existence has never been officially confirmed – suggest that Fleishman’s actions may have prevented several individuals from becoming millionaires through their own Beanie Baby investments.
The financial implications of Fleishman’s temporal meddling are staggering. Economic analysts estimate that his actions may have cost the collectibles industry upwards of $2.3 billion in lost revenue and destroyed the retirement plans of countless Americans who had invested in the stuffed animal market.
Perhaps most disturbing is Fleishman’s apparent plan to attempt another journey, this time targeting the early days of cryptocurrency. Despite repeated warnings from federal agents and several mysterious break-ins at his property, the inventor remains defiant.
“They can’t stop progress,” Fleishman declared, gesturing toward his collection of Beanie Babies. “Besides, I’ve learned from my mistakes. This time, I’m going back to 2009 to buy Bitcoin. What could possibly go wrong?”
Federal authorities have declined to comment on Fleishman’s case, though sources suggest a joint task force involving the FBI, NSA, and the mysterious Department of Temporal Affairs is monitoring his activities around the clock.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
