Avocado Toast Linked to Spontaneous Human Combustion
Feds cover up dozens of "brunch-related incidents."
PORTLAND, OR – Federal agencies are scrambling to contain explosive new evidence linking the millennial breakfast craze of avocado toast to a disturbing rise in spontaneous human combustion cases across the nation. Documents leaked by whistleblowers reveal that the CDC, FBI, and Department of Agriculture have been quietly investigating what insiders call “brunch-related incidents” for the past eighteen months.
The shocking connection first came to light when Dr. Miranda Stokes, a former CDC epidemiologist who spoke on condition of anonymity, noticed an alarming pattern in combustion reports. “Every single victim had consumed avocado toast within 72 hours of their… ignition,” Stokes revealed during a clandestine meeting in a Washington D.C. parking garage. “The government doesn’t want you to know this, but we’ve documented 47 cases since January 2023. The correlation is undeniable.”
The cover-up allegedly began when federal investigators discovered that a specific compound found in commercially grown avocados – tentatively labeled “Compound X-47” – reacts violently with gluten proteins when exposed to certain electromagnetic frequencies common in urban environments. Cell phone towers, WiFi signals, and even microwave ovens are suspected triggers for what scientists are privately calling “The Millennial Meltdown.”
Restaurant owner Jake Morrison of trendy downtown bistro “The Smashed Avo” witnessed one of these terrifying incidents firsthand. “This young woman in her twenties had just finished her Instagram photos of our signature toast with everything seasoning,” Morrison recounted, still visibly shaken. “She was mid-hashtag when suddenly – WHOOSH! Blue flames just erupted from her fingertips. Security footage shows her literally glowing for three seconds before the sprinkler system kicked in. The feds confiscated all our cameras the next day and made everyone sign NDAs.”
Internal memos obtained by this reporter reveal that the phenomenon appears to be accelerating. Agricultural scientists working for agribusiness giant Verdant Farms – which supplies avocados to over 60% of trendy brunch establishments nationwide – have been conducting secret experiments on “metabolic combustion enhancement” since 2019. The documents suggest that genetic modifications to increase shelf life may have inadvertently created what one scientist described as “biological thermite.”
The government’s response has been swift and severe. Witnesses report black SUVs appearing at hospitals where combustion victims were treated. Medical records have been sealed or mysteriously disappeared entirely. Dr. Patricia Hellman, a biochemist who attempted to publish research on the avocado-combustion link, found her university funding mysteriously cut and her laboratory sealed by “routine safety inspectors.”
“They’re trying to suppress this because the entire millennial economy depends on avocado toast,” Dr. Hellman explained during a encrypted video call from an undisclosed location. “Instagram, boutique cafes, the whole artisanal breakfast industry – it would collapse overnight if people knew the truth. We’re talking billions of dollars and thousands of jobs.”
The conspiracy deepens when examining shipping records showing unusual chemical additives in avocado preservation treatments. Sources within the Food and Drug Administration claim these additives – officially labeled as “freshness enhancers” – contain trace amounts of military-grade thermogenic compounds originally developed for battlefield applications.
Meanwhile, social media influencers continue promoting avocado toast to their millions of followers, seemingly unaware they’re potentially creating an army of human torches. The hashtag #AvocadoToast has generated over 2.3 million posts, each one potentially documenting pre-combustion behavior patterns.
Federal agencies have refused to comment on the allegations, with the CDC issuing only a terse statement calling the reports “unsubstantiated” and urging Americans to “maintain normal dietary habits.” However, eagle-eyed observers have noted that government cafeterias in Washington D.C. quietly removed all avocado-based menu items three weeks ago.
As this investigation continues, one thing remains clear: your next brunch could be your last.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
