Slartibartfast shocked: Mice Hold Press Conference, Cancel Project Earth 2.0
“Too many bugs,” they squeak. “Especially the human ones.”
MAGRATHEA, GALAXY SECTOR ZZ9 PLURAL Z ALPHA – In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through the fabric of space-time itself, the pan-dimensional beings known as mice held an unprecedented press conference yesterday to announce the immediate cancellation of their ambitious Project Earth 2.0. The announcement came as a devastating blow to renowned planet designer Slartibartfast, who had already begun preliminary sketches for what was promised to be an even more elaborate replacement for our current world.
The press conference, held in what appeared to be a converted laboratory cage lined with tiny microphones and cameras, featured spokesmouse Gerald “Squeaky” Whiskers addressing a bewildered crowd of interdimensional journalists. The diminutive mastermind behind Earth’s original construction project delivered the bombshell news with characteristic rodent directness.
“After extensive deliberation with the Council of Elders, we have decided to pull the plug on Earth 2.0,” Whiskers announced, his tiny whiskers twitching with apparent frustration. “The current version has simply too many bugs in the system, and frankly, the human ones are the worst of all.”
The cancellation represents a catastrophic setback for the Deep Thought Computer Project, which has been running for millions of years to determine the Ultimate Question to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe, and Everything. Sources close to the mouse hierarchy suggest that the decision came after reviewing extensive data on human behavior patterns collected over the past several decades.
Dr. Morticia Brainstorm, a leading expert in pan-dimensional psychology at the University of Alternate Realities, was stunned by the announcement. “I’ve been studying interdimensional species interactions for forty years, and I’ve never seen anything like this,” she revealed in an exclusive interview. “The mice are clearly fed up with the way humans have been interfering with their grand experiment. The constant wars, pollution, and reality TV shows have apparently corrupted the data beyond repair.”
The original Earth project, it will be remembered, was commissioned by the mice as a massive organic computer designed to determine the Ultimate Question. However, the experiment was famously interrupted by the Vogon Constructor Fleet, who demolished Earth to make way for a hyperspace bypass just five minutes before the program’s completion.
Slartibartfast, who won several prestigious awards for his work on Earth’s fjords, particularly those in Norway, was reportedly “absolutely flummoxed” by the mice’s decision. The veteran planet designer had been working around the clock on blueprints for Earth 2.0, which promised to feature improved continental drift patterns, more efficient weather systems, and enhanced biodiversity protocols.
“I had some truly magnificent mountain ranges planned,” Slartibartfast confided to reporters outside his office at Magrathea Planet Construction Inc. “The Alps were going to be absolutely nothing compared to what I had in store for the new model. But apparently, the humans have made such a mess of things that the mice have lost all confidence in the project.”
Insider sources suggest that the final straw came when the mice’s monitoring systems detected humans arguing about whether the Earth was flat, despite having access to photographs taken from space. This, combined with humanity’s inexplicable tendency to put pineapple on pizza and create social media platforms designed to spread misinformation, apparently convinced the pan-dimensional beings that their experiment had gone hopelessly off the rails.
The cancellation leaves millions of displaced Earth refugees in temporal limbo, uncertain about their ultimate destination. Meanwhile, the Vogons have reportedly expressed interest in building a hyperspace bypass through the abandoned construction site, though environmental impact studies are still pending.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
