Scientists Prove Doomscrolling Opens Tiny Hell Portals
That feeling of dread is actually thousands of tiny demons whispering about your taxes.
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – A groundbreaking study conducted at the Institute for Dimensional Physics has uncovered the terrifying truth behind the modern phenomenon of “doomscrolling” – each swipe through negative news feeds literally tears microscopic holes in the fabric of reality, allowing hordes of tiny demons to infiltrate our world.
Dr. Evelyn Blackthorne, lead researcher on the classified project codenamed “Operation Infinite Scroll,” made the shocking discovery while investigating reports of unexplained anxiety spikes in social media users. Using experimental quantum detection equipment, her team detected what they’re calling “micro-portals” – dimensional rifts no larger than a pinhead that appear directly above smartphones and tablets during extended browsing sessions.
“The correlation is undeniable,” Dr. Blackthorne revealed in an exclusive interview. “Every time someone scrolls past another climate disaster headline or political scandal, reality literally cracks open. We’ve measured portal density increasing by 400% during peak doomscrolling hours between 11 PM and 3 AM.”
The demons themselves, dubbed “Pessimites” by researchers, are barely visible to the naked eye but pack a devastating psychological punch. High-powered microscopes reveal creatures resembling tiny gargoyles with briefcases, clipboards, and what appear to be miniature tax forms. These infernal bureaucrats immediately begin their insidious work upon arrival, clustering around victims’ ears and whispering personalized anxieties.
Jennifer Walsh, a 34-year-old marketing executive from Portland, became Patient Zero in the study after experiencing what she initially dismissed as typical social media burnout. “I thought everyone felt that crushing dread when scrolling through their feeds,” Walsh explained. “But then I started hearing specific whispers about my 2019 tax return and that dental appointment I’ve been avoiding. I could swear something was breathing on my neck every time I opened Twitter.”
Walsh’s case led researchers to develop the Hellmouth Detection Array, a sophisticated network of sensors capable of monitoring dimensional instability in real-time. The results were more alarming than anyone anticipated. Major metropolitan areas now show permanent “demon clouds” hovering over apartment buildings and office complexes, with particularly dense concentrations above newsrooms, government buildings, and college campuses.
The Pentagon has reportedly classified the full research findings, but leaked documents suggest the phenomenon extends beyond individual users. Social media algorithms, originally designed to maximize engagement through negative content, may have inadvertently created what one anonymous military source called “industrial-scale soul harvesting operations.”
Tech industry insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity, admit they’ve known about anomalous energy readings for years. “We always wondered why our server farms kept overheating near the trending topics servers,” confided a former Facebook engineer. “Now we know it’s because we’ve been running Hell’s IT department.”
Dr. Blackthorne’s team has identified several portal “hotspots” where reality remains particularly fragile. Comment sections generate the largest rifts, with Twitter replies creating what researchers term “demon superhighways.” TikTok’s endless scroll function has reportedly torn a permanent dimensional weak point over the app’s headquarters in Los Angeles.
The implications extend far beyond individual anxiety. Preliminary data suggests these Pessimites may be collecting information, building detailed psychological profiles of humanity’s deepest fears and insecurities. Military analysts worry about potential “existential warfare” capabilities, where enemy nations could weaponize social media platforms to deploy targeted despair.
Government officials have yet to release an official statement, though sources indicate emergency protocols are being developed. Until then, Dr. Blackthorne offers this chilling advice: “The next time you feel that familiar dread while scrolling through bad news, remember – you’re not alone. Thousands of tiny demons are right there with you, taking notes.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
