Aliens Abduct Man, Complain About His Cholesterol
Extraterrestrials returned him with a diet plan and a pamphlet for space-Pilates.
BAKERSFIELD, CA – Local plumber Harold Krempsky thought his biggest problem was a clogged toilet on Maple Street, but little did he know that his arteries were about to become the talk of the galaxy.
The 52-year-old father of three was driving home from a late-night emergency call last Tuesday when a brilliant flash of green light engulfed his pickup truck on Highway 58. What happened next has sent shockwaves through the UFO research community and left medical professionals scratching their heads.
“One minute I’m listening to talk radio, the next minute I’m laid out on some kind of metal table with these big-headed gray fellas poking at me with weird gadgets,” Krempsky recounted from his living room, still visibly shaken by the encounter. “But here’s the kicker – they weren’t interested in my brain or doing weird experiments. They kept pointing at this glowing screen showing what looked like the inside of my chest, chittering away in their alien language, and shaking their oversized heads like they were disappointed.”
According to Krempsky’s account, the extraterrestrials conducted what appeared to be an advanced cardiovascular examination using technology far beyond human capability. The beings, which he described as typical “grays” standing about four feet tall with large black eyes, seemed particularly distressed by their findings.
“The tall one – I guess he was the doctor – kept making these clicking sounds and showing the scan to the others. Then this smaller alien comes over with what looked like a clipboard and starts drawing pictures of hamburgers and pizza with big X’s through them,” Krempsky explained, producing a metallic pamphlet covered in indecipherable symbols alongside crude illustrations of vegetables and exercise equipment.
Dr. Miranda Volkov, a leading expert in extraterrestrial contact cases and author of “Medical Interventions from Beyond,” believes this incident represents an unprecedented development in alien-human relations. “We’ve documented thousands of abduction cases over the decades, but this is the first time we’ve seen evidence of aliens expressing genuine concern for human health and wellness,” she stated. “The fact that they returned Mr. Krempsky with what appears to be a comprehensive fitness regimen suggests these beings may be more benevolent than we previously understood.”
The pamphlet, which Krempsky claims was pressed into his hands before his return to Earth, contains detailed diagrams of stretching exercises, meditation poses, and what appears to be an alien version of Pilates performed in zero gravity. Local linguists at Bakersfield Community College are working around the clock to decipher the accompanying text, though preliminary analysis suggests references to “arterial cleansing” and “planetary fitness protocols.”
Government sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirm that similar incidents have been reported in at least seven other states over the past month. “We’re tracking a pattern of health-focused extraterrestrial interventions,” revealed a Pentagon insider. “These aren’t your typical abduction scenarios. The aliens seem to be conducting a galaxy-wide wellness initiative.”
Krempsky’s wife, Dolores, initially skeptical of her husband’s story, became a believer when his recent blood work showed dramatically improved cholesterol levels despite no changes to his diet or lifestyle. “His LDL dropped 40 points overnight,” she marveled. “Whatever they did to him up there, it worked better than any medication his doctor ever prescribed.”
The space-Pilates regimen has proven surprisingly effective, with Krempsky reporting increased flexibility and energy levels. “I haven’t felt this good since high school,” he admitted. “Maybe getting abducted was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
As word of Krempsky’s experience spreads, others are coming forward with similar stories of health-conscious alien encounters, suggesting that extraterrestrial beings may be launching an interplanetary public health campaign targeting Earth’s increasingly unhealthy population.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
