Vegan Vampire Can’t Find Ethically Sourced Blood
"It's a nightmare," says centuries-old creature, "I'm living on beet juice and despair."
PORTLAND, OREGON – In a shocking development that has rocked the supernatural community to its core, Bartholomew Nightshade, a 347-year-old vampire who embraced veganism in 1973, is facing an unprecedented ethical crisis that threatens his very existence. Sources close to the bloodsucking creature reveal he has been surviving on nothing but organic beet juice and what he describes as “the crushing weight of moral despair.”
The gothic revelation came to light last Tuesday when Nightshade, looking gaunt even by vampire standards, approached several Portland blood banks inquiring about their donation practices. Security footage obtained exclusively by this reporter shows the pale figure frantically questioning staff about donor consent protocols, organic dietary requirements of donors, and whether the blood was “cruelty-free.”
“It’s a nightmare,” Nightshade confessed during a clandestine midnight meeting in Powell’s Books. “Do you have any idea how impossible it is to find ethically sourced blood in today’s world? I need to know that my sustenance comes from happy, free-range humans who have given explicit written consent and maintain a strictly organic diet.”
The centuries-old creature, who claims to have personally known both Vlad the Impaler and Julia Child, made the switch to ethical vampirism after what he calls his “awakening” during the 1970s environmental movement. However, his moral stance has created a feeding crisis of biblical proportions.
Dr. Minerva Blackthorne, a leading expert in supernatural dietary restrictions at the Institute for Paranormal Nutrition Studies, warns that Nightshade’s condition represents a growing trend among conscientious creatures of the night.
“We’re seeing an alarming increase in vampires struggling with ethical feeding dilemmas,” Dr. Blackthorne explained via encrypted email. “Traditional blood banks simply don’t cater to the modern vampire’s moral requirements. Most donors consume processed foods, factory-farmed meat, and participate in what these creatures view as an exploitative capitalist system.”
The situation has become so dire that Nightshade has reportedly lost 47 pounds in the past six months and can barely maintain his supernatural strength. Witnesses describe seeing him lurking outside Whole Foods markets, desperately sniffing the air around shoppers in the organic produce section.
“I saw this really pale guy following my friend Marcus around the farmers market last weekend,” reported local yoga instructor Moonbeam Crystalwater. “He kept asking weird questions about Marcus’s diet and whether he’d be willing to sign some kind of consent form. It was totally creepy, but also kind of respectful in a weird way?”
Nightshade’s attempts to establish a network of willing, ethically-raised donors have met with limited success. His Craigslist ad seeking “Compassionate humans with plant-based diets for mutually beneficial relationship” has generated mostly responses from what he describes as “vampire wannabes and people with concerning psychological profiles.”
The desperate vampire has even considered relocating to Scandinavia, where he believes the combination of universal healthcare and organic food standards might provide more ethically acceptable options. However, immigration authorities in Norway have reportedly flagged his application due to his listed occupation as “Professional Creature of Darkness.”
Meanwhile, Nightshade continues his grim existence, sustained primarily by a diet of cold-pressed beet juice, liquid chlorophyll, and what he dramatically refers to as “the bitter taste of my own moral superiority.” He has lost several of his traditional vampire abilities, including the power to transform into a bat, though he claims he can still shapeshift into what appears to be a particularly moody fruit bat.
As this investigation continues, one thing remains clear: the intersection of supernatural dietary needs and modern ethical standards has created a crisis that threatens to drain the life force from one of Portland’s most environmentally conscious undead residents.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
