COVID-19 Vaccine Gives Man Ability to Speak to Squirrels
He now knows where all the good acorns are buried.
PORTLAND, OREGON – Local carpenter Jake Morrison thought the burning sensation at his vaccination site was just a normal side effect. What he discovered three weeks later has wildlife experts baffled and government officials scrambling for answers.
Morrison, 34, first noticed something unusual while working on a backyard deck project in Southeast Portland. A gray squirrel approached him repeatedly, chattering incessantly while he tried to focus on his measurements.
“At first I thought it was just being aggressive, maybe protecting babies nearby,” Morrison explained during an exclusive interview at his Hawthorne district home. “But then I started hearing actual words mixed in with the chittering. Clear as day, this little guy was saying ‘Help me, help me’ over and over.”
The breakthrough came when Morrison decided to respond. Speaking directly to the squirrel, he asked what kind of help it needed. The animal’s response shocked him to his core.
“She told me her name was Nutkin and that she’d been trying to communicate with humans for years,” Morrison recounted, his hands trembling slightly as he recalled the moment. “She said most humans lost the ability to understand animal speech generations ago, but that something had changed in me.”
Morrison received his second dose of the Pfizer vaccine on March 15th. By early April, he was conducting full conversations with the entire squirrel population in his neighborhood. What started as simple exchanges about weather and territory disputes quickly evolved into something far more complex and disturbing.
According to Morrison, Portland’s squirrels have been operating an elaborate underground network for decades, mapping every oak tree, walnut grove, and bird feeder within a 50-mile radius. More shocking still, they’ve been documenting human behavior patterns and reporting their findings to what Morrison describes as a “Council of Elder Squirrels” that meets monthly in Forest Park.
“They know things about this city that would blow your mind,” Morrison said, glancing nervously at the Douglas Fir trees surrounding his property. “Traffic patterns, garbage collection schedules, which houses have dogs, which ones have cats. They’ve got a whole intelligence operation running right under our noses.”
Dr. Melissa Rodriguez, a veterinary neurologist at Oregon State University who has studied animal communication for over two decades, expressed skepticism about Morrison’s claims while acknowledging that modern vaccines contain compounds that could theoretically affect neural pathways.
“While mRNA technology is revolutionary, the idea that it could suddenly activate dormant linguistic centers in the human brain is… highly unusual,” Dr. Rodriguez stated carefully. “However, we’re learning new things about neuroplasticity every day. If Mr. Morrison is indeed experiencing some form of enhanced interspecies communication, it would represent a breakthrough that could change our understanding of consciousness itself.”
Morrison has documented over 200 hours of squirrel conversations on his phone, though he admits the recordings only capture his side of the discussions. The squirrels, he claims, have shared invaluable information about everything from upcoming weather patterns to the locations of lost wedding rings and car keys throughout the Portland metro area.
But perhaps most disturbing are the warnings they’ve been giving him about other animals.
“The crows are planning something big,” Morrison whispered, checking the sky above us. “Nutkin says they’ve been holding secret meetings at midnight near the Burnside Bridge. The squirrels are scared, and when squirrels are scared, we should all be paying attention.”
Federal health officials have declined to comment on Morrison’s case, but sources within the CDC suggest similar reports have been filtering in from vaccine recipients across the country. Wildlife communication, electromagnetic sensitivity, and enhanced pattern recognition abilities are among the phenomena being quietly investigated.
Morrison’s newfound ability has already proven profitable – he’s started a side business helping Portland residents locate missing items using his squirrel network’s comprehensive knowledge of the city’s hidden spaces.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
