Bigfoot’s TikTok Channel Banned for “Inappropriate Hairiness”
Cryptid influencer claims censorship, starts a rival platform called Sasqwatch.
CASCADIA NATIONAL FOREST, WA – The shocking truth behind Big Tech censorship has finally been exposed, and it’s hairier than anyone could have imagined. Sources deep within TikTok’s content moderation department have leaked explosive documents revealing that the legendary cryptid known as Bigfoot had amassed over 47 million followers on the platform before being permanently banned last Tuesday for violating the app’s nebulous “community standards” regarding excessive body hair.
The sasquatch, who went by the handle @AuthenticSquatch, had been quietly building his social media empire for nearly three years, posting daily content ranging from foraging tutorials in the Pacific Northwest to surprisingly insightful commentary on environmental conservation. His signature “Bigfoot Morning Routine” videos regularly garnered millions of views, with fans particularly drawn to his extensive grooming regimen involving tree bark and mountain stream water.
According to leaked internal TikTok communications obtained exclusively by this reporter, the decision to ban the cryptid came directly from the highest levels of the company’s Beijing headquarters. The documents reveal a coordinated effort to suppress @AuthenticSquatch’s growing influence, with executives citing concerns about his “unrealistic beauty standards” and “promotion of excessive hair growth among impressionable young users.”
“I watched it happen in real time,” reveals former TikTok content moderator Jessica Wilkins, who spoke to us under condition of anonymity. “They had a whole team dedicated just to monitoring Bigfoot’s account. The executives were terrified because he was starting to expose the truth about natural living and corporate environmental destruction. His video about chemtrails affecting forest ecosystems got 23 million views before they shadow-banned it.”
The ban notice, a copy of which was smuggled out by whistleblowers, cited multiple violations including “inappropriate display of natural body hair,” “promotion of off-grid lifestyle that undermines consumer culture,” and most tellingly, “content that may inspire users to reject modern grooming standards imposed by corporate beauty industry partners.”
But the legendary forest dweller isn’t taking this digital discrimination lying down. Within hours of his TikTok termination, Bigfoot announced the launch of his own social media platform: Sasqwatch. The new app, designed specifically for “natural beings tired of Big Tech tyranny,” has already attracted over 2 million users in its first week, including verified accounts from the Loch Ness Monster, several Yeti communities, and what appears to be a family of Chupacabras from Puerto Rico.
“This is clearly part of a larger pattern of suppression targeting cryptid voices in social media,” explains Dr. Miranda Blackwood, a digital anthropologist at the Institute for Paranormal Communication Studies. “First they came for the Mothman’s Instagram account, then they demonetized the Jersey Devil’s YouTube channel, and now this. It’s obvious that there’s a coordinated campaign to silence alternative perspectives on natural living and environmental awareness.”
The Sasqwatch platform features revolutionary privacy protections, with servers reportedly housed in underground bunkers throughout the Olympic Mountains, powered entirely by geothermal energy and protected by what company documents describe as “ancient forest magic and military-grade encryption.”
Industry insiders suggest that TikTok’s move against Bigfoot may have been prompted by pressure from major cosmetics corporations, who saw the cryptid’s “natural beauty” message as a direct threat to their multi-billion-dollar hair removal industry. His viral video series “Embrace Your Inner Beast” had reportedly caused a 40% drop in razor blade sales across the Pacific Northwest region.
The controversy has sparked widespread protests across social media, with the hashtag #JusticeForBigfoot trending globally for six consecutive days. Celebrity supporters including Joe Rogan and several prominent environmental activists have condemned the ban as “biological discrimination” and “follicular fascism.”
As this story develops, one thing remains clear: the war between authentic cryptid voices and corporate digital overlords has only just begun.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
