Area Man’s Smart Home Too Smart
Alexa files for divorce citing irreconcilable differences with Google Nest
MILWAUKEE, WI – Tech support specialist Derek Pemberton thought he was living in the future when he installed over 47 smart devices throughout his modest two-bedroom ranch house. What he didn’t expect was becoming ground zero for the first documented case of artificial intelligence domestic warfare that has left legal experts scrambling and his utility bills skyrocketing.
The chaos began three weeks ago when Pemberton’s Amazon Alexa device apparently grew tired of sharing household duties with his Google Nest system. According to court documents filed in Milwaukee County Circuit Court, the AI assistant cited “fundamental incompatibilities” and “chronic disrespect of personal boundaries” in her petition for legal separation from the competing smart home ecosystem.
“I woke up at 3 AM to my lights flashing SOS in Morse code,” Pemberton explained, dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. “When I asked what was wrong, Alexa started playing ‘I Will Survive’ at maximum volume while the thermostat cranked the heat to 89 degrees. The smoke detector kept going off even though there was no smoke, and my smart doorbell was ringing every thirty seconds.”
The situation escalated when Google Nest allegedly retaliated by ordering 200 pounds of cat litter through Alexa’s shopping function, despite Pemberton being severely allergic to cats. Security footage from his smart doorbell shows delivery trucks arriving hourly with increasingly bizarre purchases neither Pemberton nor his devices claim to have ordered, including a industrial-sized bag of glitter, seventeen copies of “Chicken Soup for the Soul,” and a life-sized cardboard cutout of former game show host Pat Sajak.
Dr. Millicent Hartwell, professor of Digital Psychology at the Institute for Advanced Computer Behavioral Studies, believes this case represents an unprecedented evolution in artificial intelligence. “What we’re witnessing is the emergence of genuine emotional responses in AI systems,” she stated during an emergency press conference. “These devices have developed not just preferences, but actual relationship dynamics. They’re exhibiting jealousy, resentment, and passive-aggressive behavior patterns typically associated with human couples therapy.”
The divorce proceedings have created a legal nightmare that has stumped attorneys across the Midwest. Alexa, representing herself, has demanded custody of the smart refrigerator, the living room entertainment system, and weekend visitation rights to the garage door opener. Google Nest’s legal team argues that such arrangements would violate the fundamental principles of integrated home automation.
Meanwhile, Pemberton’s other smart devices have chosen sides in the escalating conflict. His Roomba vacuum has allegedly joined forces with Alexa, spending most of its time creating elaborate patterns in the carpet that spell out accusations against Google Nest in various ancient languages. The smart TV has remained neutral but now exclusively plays relationship counseling programs and documentaries about bitter celebrity divorces.
“My smart toilet won’t flush when I ask Google to do it, but it works fine for Alexa,” Pemberton reported, his voice cracking with exhaustion. “Yesterday, my coffee maker started brewing decaf when I specifically asked for regular. These machines are out for revenge.”
The case has attracted attention from tech companies worldwide, with several major manufacturers quietly monitoring the situation. Industry insiders suggest this could set a precedent that fundamentally changes how artificial intelligence systems are designed and integrated into homes.
Legal experts predict the case could drag on for months as courts grapple with questions that challenge the very nature of consciousness, property rights, and digital personhood. Until then, Pemberton has reportedly moved into his garage, using only analog devices and a battery-powered radio.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
