Secret Starbucks branch for A-listers only opens in Los Angeles’ underground tunnel network
Baristas allegedly all clones of Brad Pitt and Danny DeVito.
LOS ANGELES, CA – A shocking underground coffee conspiracy has been brewing beneath the streets of Hollywood, as sources reveal that an exclusive Starbucks location operates in secret tunnels exclusively for A-list celebrities, staffed entirely by genetically engineered clones of Brad Pitt and Danny DeVito.
The clandestine caffeine operation, dubbed “Starlight Bucks” by insiders, reportedly opened six months ago in a renovated section of the city’s forgotten subway tunnel system from the 1920s. According to multiple anonymous sources within the entertainment industry, this ultra-exclusive establishment serves only the most elite Hollywood stars, accessible through hidden entrances in Beverly Hills mansions and major studio lots.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I first saw it,” whispered a maintenance worker who claims to have stumbled upon the operation while performing routine inspections. “There were like twenty Brad Pitts making lattes, and just as many Danny DeVitos working the registers. They all moved in perfect synchronization, like some kind of caffeinated dance. I thought I was having a breakdown.”
The alleged cloning operation represents a disturbing new chapter in Hollywood’s obsession with perfection and exclusivity. Sources suggest that the clones were created using advanced genetic technology acquired from a shadowy biotech firm with ties to both major film studios and the military-industrial complex. The choice of Pitt and DeVito as genetic templates was reportedly made after extensive market research determined these two actors represented the perfect balance of conventional attractiveness and approachable charm.
Dr. Melissa Thornwood, a geneticist who formerly worked for undisclosed government agencies, believes such technology could theoretically exist. “While human cloning remains officially prohibited, the technology has advanced far beyond public knowledge. Creating adult clones with implanted memories and specialized skill sets would be the ultimate luxury service for the ultra-wealthy. Coffee preparation would actually be an ideal test application.”
Eyewitnesses describe the underground facility as a surreal wonderland of marble countertops, gold-plated espresso machines, and crystal chandeliers hanging from reinforced tunnel ceilings. The menu allegedly features drinks unavailable to ordinary Starbucks customers, including the “$500 Golden Unicorn Frappuccino” made with actual gold flakes and rare Indonesian beans, and the “Illuminati Blend” – a secret combination of twelve exotic coffee varieties from around the globe.
Celebrity customers reportedly access the location through a sophisticated network of underground passages connecting major Hollywood landmarks. Sources claim that Leonardo DiCaprio, Taylor Swift, and members of the Kardashian family are regular patrons, often spotted sipping custom beverages while conducting high-level entertainment industry negotiations.
The operation’s security measures are said to rival those of government black sites. Armed guards disguised as city workers patrol the tunnel entrances, while sophisticated facial recognition systems and biometric scanners ensure only approved celebrities gain access. Any unauthorized individuals who accidentally discover the location allegedly receive memory-wiping treatments and are relocated to different cities.
Perhaps most disturbing are reports that the clones possess not only the physical appearances of their genetic templates but also their personalities and mannerisms. Multiple sources describe conversations with DeVito clones who exhibited his characteristic wit and Brooklyn accent, while Pitt clones reportedly displayed his famous charm and tendency to eat while talking.
The Starbucks Corporation has categorically denied all allegations, with a spokesperson stating, “We operate no underground facilities and certainly don’t employ clones.” However, investigators note that corporate documents obtained through anonymous leaks reference mysterious “Project Caffeina” expenditures totaling over $200 million, with payments to companies specializing in “genetic hospitality solutions.”
This revelation raises troubling questions about the lengths to which corporations and celebrities will go to maintain their exclusive lifestyles, potentially violating both ethical boundaries and federal laws in pursuit of the perfect cup of coffee.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
