SIGNAL ENCRYPTED CHATS READABLE ONLY BY PSYCHIC GOVERNMENT AGENTS
Privacy-focused app's security defeated by CIA's newly recruited telepathic workforce
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A shocking government leak has revealed that the Central Intelligence Agency has successfully bypassed the encryption of Signal, the world’s most trusted secure messaging app, by recruiting a secret army of psychic agents capable of reading messages through pure mental power.
According to classified documents obtained by this reporter, the CIA’s top-secret “Project Mindbridge” has been operational since early 2023, employing over 200 individuals with verified telepathic abilities to penetrate what was previously considered unbreakable end-to-end encryption. The program represents a dramatic shift in intelligence gathering, moving beyond traditional code-breaking to exploit supernatural human capabilities.
The revelation comes from Dr. Melissa Chen, a former NSA cryptographer who worked on the project before her conscience forced her to flee to an undisclosed location in Eastern Europe. “They told us the old methods weren’t working fast enough,” Chen revealed in an encrypted phone call. “Signal’s encryption was too strong for our quantum computers, so they decided to go around it entirely. These psychic agents don’t need to break the code – they simply read the thoughts of the person typing the message.”
The recruitment process for these extraordinary agents reportedly began in 2022, when CIA talent scouts began visiting psychic fairs, mentalist shows, and even online forums dedicated to supernatural phenomena. Candidates underwent rigorous testing at a classified facility in Nevada, where they demonstrated their ability to perceive encrypted communications across vast distances.
Marcus “The Mind” Rodriguez, a former circus performer turned government psychic who recently defected from the program, described the intensive training regimen. “They had us sitting in windowless rooms for 12 hours a day, focusing on encrypted data streams. At first, it was just noise, but after months of conditioning and pharmaceutical enhancement, we could see right through the digital barriers. I could read your Signal messages from three states away.”
The implications for global privacy are staggering. Signal, used by journalists, activists, and government officials worldwide, markets itself as providing “state-of-the-art encryption” that keeps communications private. The app’s own security audits show no technical vulnerabilities, because there are none – the CIA simply bypassed technology entirely.
Internal CIA memos, leaked alongside the whistleblower revelations, show the agency’s excitement about the program’s success rate. One document boasts of a “98.7% accuracy rate in real-time telepathic intercept operations” and mentions plans to expand the program to target other encrypted platforms including WhatsApp, Telegram, and ProtonMail.
The financial investment in Project Mindbridge has been enormous. Budget documents indicate the CIA has spent over $2.8 billion developing psychic enhancement drugs, constructing specialized meditation facilities, and providing ongoing support for agent families – many of whom must be relocated frequently due to the mental strain of constant telepathic surveillance work.
Perhaps most disturbing are reports that the psychic agents can not only read messages but also influence them. Several sources suggest that some operatives possess the ability to subtly alter the thoughts of message senders in real-time, potentially manipulating communications to serve intelligence objectives.
The Signal Foundation has not responded to requests for comment, though technical experts note that no software-based solution could possibly defend against psychic intrusion. “Traditional encryption protects data in transit and storage, but it can’t protect thoughts,” explains cybersecurity researcher Dr. James Hartwell. “If the government really has psychic agents, then the entire concept of digital privacy becomes obsolete.”
Foreign intelligence services are reportedly scrambling to develop counter-psychic measures, with some nations allegedly recruiting their own telepathic agents to create a supernatural arms race in the shadows of conventional espionage.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
