SEAMLESS APP CREATES ACTUAL SEAMS IN SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM
Food ordering platform's name proves prophetic as reality tears apart
BROOKLYN, NY – Food delivery customers in the Williamsburg neighborhood are reporting disturbing dimensional anomalies after the popular Seamless app began literally living up to its name, creating actual tears in the fabric of reality that scientists say could threaten the stability of our universe.
The crisis began last Tuesday when local resident Marcus Chen ordered his usual Tuesday night Thai food through the Seamless platform. What arrived at his door wasn’t just pad thai and spring rolls, but a gaping hole in space-time that has since expanded to encompass three city blocks and counting.
“I just wanted some decent curry, man,” Chen told reporters while being evacuated from his apartment building. “Next thing I know, there’s this shimmering crack running down my hallway wall, and I can see what looks like another dimension where everything is purple and the buildings are upside down.”
Government sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirm that the Department of Homeland Security has established a perimeter around the affected area and is working with theoretical physicists from Columbia University to contain what they’re calling “The Seamless Breach.”
Dr. Rebecca Martinez, a quantum mechanics professor who has been consulting with federal authorities, believes the app’s algorithms may have accidentally stumbled upon the mathematical frequencies that govern dimensional barriers. “The irony is almost too perfect to ignore,” Martinez explained. “An app called ‘Seamless’ that promises to eliminate friction in food delivery has instead created actual seams – tears in the fundamental structure of reality itself.”
The phenomenon appears to be spreading beyond Brooklyn. Similar reports are flooding in from Chicago, Los Angeles, and Miami, all involving Seamless orders that resulted in localized space-time distortions. In Chicago’s Lincoln Park, a customer ordering pizza reported that his delivery driver emerged from what witnesses described as “a glowing portal” before handing over the food and disappearing back into the dimensional rift.
Internal documents leaked from Seamless parent company Grubhub suggest that company executives may have been aware of the potential for reality-warping side effects. One memo, dated six months ago, references “anomalous energy readings” detected in their server farms and recommends “dimensional containment protocols” for future app updates.
Sources within the tech industry reveal that Seamless has been experimenting with cutting-edge delivery optimization technology, including quantum computing algorithms designed to calculate the most efficient routes through what they termed “multi-dimensional space.” What company engineers apparently failed to anticipate was that their virtual mapping of alternate dimensions would begin manifesting physical breaches in reality.
The situation has grown increasingly dire as the dimensional tears continue expanding at an exponential rate. Residents near the affected areas report seeing strange creatures emerging from the rifts – beings that appear to be alternate versions of delivery drivers from parallel universes where the food service industry has evolved along drastically different evolutionary paths.
“I saw this thing that looked like a human crossed with a pizza slice walking down my street carrying what I swear was a bag full of screaming hamburgers,” reported Brooklyn resident Sarah Wilson, who has since relocated to her sister’s house in Queens.
Federal emergency management officials are urging citizens to avoid using food delivery apps until further notice, though early reports suggest the dimensional instability may be spreading to competing platforms. DoorDash users in Seattle are reporting minor temporal anomalies where their orders arrive before they place them, while Uber Eats customers in Denver claim their food is being delivered by drivers who appear to be from the 1950s.
Scientists warn that if the Seamless breaches continue expanding unchecked, they could potentially merge with one another, creating a cascading dimensional collapse that would fundamentally alter the nature of reality across the continental United States.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
