POSTMATES COURIERS REVEALED AS TIME TRAVELERS FROM FOOD-SCARCE FUTURE
Delivery workers desperately trying to prevent culinary apocalypse of 2087
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A shocking investigation has uncovered the truth behind the mysterious efficiency and dedication of Postmates delivery workers: they’re time travelers from the year 2087, desperately racing against the clock to prevent a catastrophic food shortage that decimates humanity’s future.
The bombshell revelation came to light after several couriers were caught displaying knowledge of events that hadn’t happened yet, carrying futuristic delivery devices, and showing an almost supernatural urgency when handling food orders. Sources close to the investigation reveal that these temporal refugees have infiltrated the gig economy as part of “Operation Last Meal” – a covert mission to preserve Earth’s culinary diversity before it’s too late.
“I always wondered why my Postmates guy seemed so intense about getting me my burrito,” said local resident Maria Gonzalez, who witnessed her courier frantically photographing her meal before departure. “Last Tuesday, he actually started crying when I told him I was throwing away half my sandwich. He kept muttering something about ‘protein paste rations’ and ‘the great famine of ’87.'”
The temporal conspiracy began unraveling when multiple customers reported bizarre behavior from their delivery workers. Couriers have been spotted carefully cataloging every restaurant menu, secretly collecting food samples, and displaying emotional breakdowns when witnessing food waste. One delivery worker was allegedly caught trying to preserve a half-eaten pizza in what appeared to be a metallic container that defied known physics.
Dr. Helen Morrison, a theoretical physicist at Stanford University who has studied temporal anomalies, believes the evidence is overwhelming. “The mathematical probability of this many coincidences occurring naturally is essentially zero,” Morrison explained. “We’re looking at individuals who possess detailed knowledge of supply chain disruptions, climate-related crop failures, and food preservation techniques that won’t be invented for decades. Their desperation is palpable – they’re literally trying to save the future of food.”
According to leaked documents obtained by this reporter, the culinary apocalypse of 2087 begins with the collapse of bee populations in 2069, followed by catastrophic soil depletion and the failure of synthetic food alternatives. By 2087, humanity survives on a diet consisting primarily of algae supplements and laboratory-grown protein paste. Traditional foods like pizza, hamburgers, and even basic fruits become nothing more than legendary tales told to malnourished children.
The time travelers’ mission involves creating a comprehensive database of 21st-century cuisine, preserving genetic samples of endangered food sources, and subtly influencing dietary habits to prevent the chain of events leading to global food scarcity. Their cover as delivery workers provides perfect access to restaurants, food suppliers, and consumer eating patterns without raising suspicion.
Whistleblowers within Postmates report that certain couriers possess delivery bags that maintain impossible temperature stability and GPS devices that seem to predict traffic patterns with supernatural accuracy. Employee records show several workers listing birthplaces that don’t exist and emergency contacts with phone numbers containing too many digits.
“They’re not just delivering food – they’re studying it, preserving it, and trying to change our relationship with it,” revealed a former Postmates supervisor who requested anonymity. “I’ve seen delivery reports written in symbols I’ve never seen before, and some of these workers have calluses on their hands that look like they’ve been handling tools that haven’t been invented yet.”
The implications are staggering. If true, every Postmates order becomes a small act of temporal resistance, every delivered meal a precious artifact being documented for humanity’s survival. The next time your courier seems unusually emotional about your lunch order, remember – they might be fighting to save the future, one delivery at a time.
Government agencies have yet to comment on these allegations, though sources suggest a joint task force between the Department of Homeland Security and undisclosed scientific organizations is investigating the claims.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
