INSTACART SHOPPER DISCOVERS GROCERY STORE IS PORTAL TO ANCIENT EGYPT
Personal shopper's smartphone GPS malfunction leads to successful mummy delivery
PHOENIX, AZ – A routine grocery delivery turned into an archaeological adventure last Tuesday when Instacart shopper Melissa Rodriguez accidentally stumbled through a temporal portal hidden inside a local Kroger supermarket, emerging in ancient Egypt with a preserved mummy that she successfully delivered to a bewildered customer.
The bizarre incident began when Rodriguez, 34, was hunting for organic papaya in aisle 7 of the Kroger on Camelback Road. Her smartphone’s GPS app suddenly malfunctioned, displaying hieroglyphics instead of the usual store map. Following what she thought were updated navigation instructions, Rodriguez pushed her shopping cart through what appeared to be a shimmering produce display.
“One minute I’m looking at overpriced avocados, the next minute I’m standing in some kind of ancient marketplace with sand everywhere and people wearing those weird Egyptian headdresses,” Rodriguez told reporters. “My phone was still showing the customer’s order, but instead of bananas and yogurt, it was requesting ‘one preserved pharaoh, medium-sized, preferably Dynasty XVIII.'”
Store security footage, which Kroger executives have refused to release publicly, allegedly shows Rodriguez’s cart disappearing completely into the produce section before reappearing 47 minutes later with Rodriguez covered in sand and pushing what appeared to be an ornate sarcophagus.
Dr. Marcus Fieldstone, a quantum archaeologist at Arizona State University, believes Rodriguez may have activated one of several interdimensional grocery portals that the government has been secretly installing in supermarkets since 2019. “We’ve long suspected that major grocery chains were experimenting with temporal supply chain management,” Fieldstone explained. “Think about it – where else would they get those impossibly fresh strawberries in January? Time travel is the only logical explanation.”
According to Rodriguez’s account, she spent nearly an hour bartering with ancient Egyptian merchants who initially refused to accept her Instacart payment card. She eventually traded a bag of Cheetos and her smartphone charger for a well-preserved mummy of what appeared to be a minor royal official.
The delivery address led Rodriguez to the home of Dr. Sarah Chen, an Egyptologist who had apparently been expecting the unusual delivery. “I placed that order as a joke after three glasses of wine,” Chen admitted. “I never expected anyone to actually fulfill it. When Melissa showed up at my door with an authentic 3,400-year-old mummy, I nearly fainted. The preservation quality was exceptional – clearly professional embalming work.”
Instacart’s corporate headquarters has remained suspiciously silent about the incident, issuing only a brief statement claiming Rodriguez had suffered from “heat exhaustion and temporary disorientation.” However, inside sources report that the company has quietly promoted Rodriguez to their new “Exotic Deliveries Division” and tripled her hourly rate.
Local conspiracy theorist and blogger Randy Morrison believes the Kroger portal is part of a larger network designed to harvest ancient artifacts for wealthy collectors. “Wake up, people! Why do you think they call it ‘fresh’ produce? They’re literally shopping in the past! That ‘organic’ label suddenly makes sense when you realize they’re getting vegetables from before pesticides were invented.”
The mummy, tentatively identified as Khenti-Ka, a grain inspector from the reign of Amenhotep III, is currently being studied by researchers at ASU. Preliminary tests confirm its authenticity, though scientists remain baffled by traces of modern shopping cart metal found embedded in the sarcophagus.
Rodriguez has since returned to regular grocery deliveries but reports that her smartphone GPS occasionally glitches, showing brief glimpses of Roman markets and medieval bazaars. She now carries extra snacks “just in case” and has invested in a good pair of walking sandals.
Kroger management continues to deny any knowledge of temporal portals, though several employees have reported seeing shimmering air near the organic produce section during overnight shifts.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
