USA bans boredom by law
Fine: $50 and mandatory TikTok
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking move that has left constitutional scholars reeling and entertainment executives celebrating, Congress passed the Emergency Anti-Boredom Act of 2024 in a closed-door session last Tuesday, making it a federal crime to be bored in the United States.
The controversial legislation, which sailed through both houses with unprecedented bipartisan support, establishes the Department of Mandatory Entertainment (DME) and empowers specially trained “Fun Police” to issue citations to anyone caught displaying signs of tedium, ennui, or general listlessness.
Under the new law, citizens found guilty of boredom face a $50 fine and are required to watch exactly 47 minutes of TikTok videos selected by government algorithms. Repeat offenders must create their own TikTok content under federal supervision.
“I was just sitting on a park bench, maybe looking a little tired after work, when this officer approached me with some kind of electronic mood detector,” reported Sandra Kleinfeld of Akron, Ohio, one of the first Americans cited under the new statute. “Next thing I know, I’m getting a ticket for ‘aggravated apathy’ and forced to watch dancing teenagers on my phone while a federal agent takes notes.”
The legislation emerged from a secret government study code-named “Project Euphoria,” which allegedly discovered that widespread boredom poses a national security threat. According to leaked documents, bored citizens are 73% more likely to question government policies, research conspiracy theories, or engage in “dangerous independent thinking.”
Dr. Miriam Goldstein, a behavioral psychologist who claims to have consulted on the project before fleeing to Canada, revealed disturbing details about the program’s true purpose. “They’re not fighting boredom – they’re weaponizing distraction,” Goldstein told this reporter via encrypted video call from an undisclosed location. “The TikTok punishment isn’t random. Those algorithms are specifically designed to fragment attention spans and create addictive consumption patterns. It’s digital lobotomization disguised as entertainment.”
The Fun Police, officially designated as Federal Entertainment Compliance Officers, have been granted broad powers to monitor public spaces, workplaces, and even private homes for signs of insufficient stimulation. Their arsenal includes advanced facial recognition software that can detect micro-expressions associated with boredom, as well as handheld devices that measure “engagement levels” through pupil dilation and skin conductance.
Training manuals obtained through anonymous sources reveal that officers are taught to identify “Boredom Indicators” including yawning, sighing, staring into space, reading books longer than 200 pages, or spending more than five minutes without checking a mobile device.
Major social media platforms have mysteriously experienced massive server upgrades in recent weeks, with TikTok receiving a $2.3 billion federal contract to expand its “therapeutic content delivery systems.” Industry insiders report that new data centers are being constructed at an unprecedented rate, many located suspiciously close to military installations.
The American Civil Liberties Union attempted to file an injunction against the law but was immediately cited for “procedural tedium” when their lawyers began reading the 847-page complaint aloud in federal court. All seven attorneys were subsequently subjected to mandatory TikTok viewing and are reportedly now unable to concentrate on legal documents for more than 30 seconds at a time.
Underground resistance movements have already formed, with secret societies of book clubs and meditation groups operating in hidden basements across the country. These “Boring Resistance” cells communicate through analog methods and practice dangerous activities like sustained concentration, deep thinking, and appreciating silence.
Intelligence sources suggest the program is just phase one of a broader initiative called “Operation Goldfish,” designed to reduce the average American attention span to under eight seconds by 2027. Phase two allegedly involves mandatory augmented reality contact lenses that overlay entertainment content directly onto citizens’ field of vision, making it impossible to experience unstimulated moments.
As America enters this brave new world of federally mandated fun, one question haunts the nation: In a country where boredom is illegal, who will be left to notice when freedom itself becomes boring?
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
