SUPREME COURT JUSTICES DECIDE CASES BY ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS TOURNAMENT
Chief Justice Roberts admits traditional legal reasoning too complicated for modern times
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Shocking revelations from inside the hallowed halls of the Supreme Court have exposed a constitutional crisis of unprecedented proportions. According to explosive leaked documents and testimony from court insiders, the nine justices of America’s highest court have been deciding landmark cases not through careful legal analysis, but through heated tournaments of rock-paper-scissors.
The bombshell disclosure came to light when a former Supreme Court clerk, speaking on condition of anonymity, provided this reporter with secretly recorded audio of Chief Justice John Roberts making the stunning admission during a private judicial conference last month.
“Look, let’s be honest here,” Roberts can be heard saying on the grainy recording. “Constitutional law has gotten way too complicated for any reasonable person to understand. All these precedents, legal theories, and 200-year-old amendments – it’s giving me a headache. Rock-paper-scissors is simple, fair, and gets results fast. Plus, Justice Thomas has been on an incredible winning streak lately.”
The clandestine practice allegedly began during the controversial 2020 election cases, when the justices found themselves deadlocked on multiple complex issues. Rather than spend weeks deliberating over legal minutiae, they reportedly decided to settle disputes through best-of-three rock-paper-scissors matches held in the court’s private conference room.
“I witnessed it with my own eyes,” revealed the anonymous clerk, whose identity we’re protecting for their safety. “Justice Barrett would warm up by practicing her scissors motion, while Justice Kavanaugh kept muttering strategies under his breath. Justice Alito got so frustrated after losing on paper three times in a row that he accused Justice Kagan of using ‘unconstitutional hand signals’ to communicate with Justice Breyer before she retired.”
The leaked documents suggest this shadow judicial system has been determining major decisions across a wide range of constitutional issues. Internal memos reveal that abortion rights, gun regulations, and even presidential immunity cases have all been settled through rapid-fire rounds of the children’s game, with legal opinions written after the fact to justify the predetermined outcomes.
Constitutional law expert Dr. Miranda Blackstone of Georgetown University expressed alarm at these revelations. “If these allegations are true, it represents the complete breakdown of our legal system. The idea that Supreme Court justices are flipping coins – or in this case, throwing rock-paper-scissors – to decide fundamental constitutional questions is absolutely terrifying. This makes a mockery of everything our judicial system claims to represent.”
The documents reveal an elaborate point system where justices accumulate wins throughout each court term. Justice Clarence Thomas apparently leads the current standings with an impressive 47-12 record, while Justice Sonia Sotomayor languishes at the bottom with a dismal 8-51 performance. Court insiders suggest Sotomayor’s poor showing may explain her increasingly frequent dissenting opinions.
Perhaps most disturbing are reports of potential outside influence on these tournaments. Security footage allegedly shows mysterious figures in expensive suits meeting with justices in underground parking garages, apparently providing coaching on advanced rock-paper-scissors techniques and psychological warfare tactics.
The Supreme Court’s public information office vehemently denied these allegations, releasing a terse statement claiming “all decisions are made through rigorous legal analysis based on constitutional principles and established precedent.” However, legal observers note the unusual speed of recent Supreme Court decisions and the increasingly brief nature of many written opinions.
When pressed for comment, Chief Justice Roberts’ office refused to respond to specific questions about rock-paper-scissors tournaments, instead issuing a generic statement about the court’s “commitment to judicial excellence and innovative problem-solving approaches.”
This explosive revelation raises serious questions about the legitimacy of recent Supreme Court decisions and threatens to undermine public confidence in America’s highest judicial authority. Legal scholars are now calling for congressional investigations and demanding transparency about the court’s actual decision-making processes.
As this constitutional crisis unfolds, Americans must grapple with the possibility that their most fundamental rights have been determined not by careful legal reasoning, but by the random chance of a schoolyard game.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
