FAST FOOD CHAIN DISCOVERS CUSTOMERS ARE ACTUALLY FEEDING UNDERGROUND MOLE PEOPLE
McDonald's investigation reveals elaborate tunnel system beneath restaurants
OAK BROOK, ILLINOIS – A routine McDonald’s corporate investigation into mysteriously low food inventory levels has uncovered what may be the most shocking fast food conspiracy in history: customers have been systematically diverting massive quantities of Big Macs, fries, and McNuggets to feed an entire civilization of underground mole people living in elaborate tunnel networks beneath restaurants nationwide.
The stunning discovery began three months ago when McDonald’s regional manager Patricia Kellerman noticed that several franchise locations were reporting food shortages that didn’t match their recorded sales figures. What started as a simple audit quickly spiraled into a full-scale investigation that has rocked the fast food giant to its core.
“At first we thought it was employee theft or accounting errors,” Kellerman revealed in an exclusive interview. “But when we installed hidden cameras in the storage areas, we caught customers sneaking cases of hamburgers and gallons of special sauce through what appeared to be solid floor tiles. That’s when we knew something truly bizarre was happening.”
According to internal McDonald’s documents obtained by this reporter, the underground mole people have constructed an intricate network of tunnels stretching beneath at least 847 McDonald’s locations across 23 states. The subterranean civilization, which corporate investigators estimate numbers in the tens of thousands, has been operating undetected for decades by exploiting weaknesses in restaurant foundation construction.
The mole people’s sophisticated operation involves recruiting surface-dwelling humans to act as intermediaries, purchasing enormous quantities of McDonald’s food and smuggling it underground through cleverly disguised access points hidden beneath restaurant booths, behind play areas, and even inside seemingly decorative planters.
Security footage shows these human accomplices engaging in elaborate hand signals and code words with McDonald’s employees who may be unwitting participants in the scheme. Phrases like “supersizing for the family reunion” and “extra pickles for the basement party” have taken on sinister new meanings in light of these revelations.
Dr. Mortimer Blackwood, a leading expert in subterranean anthropology at the University of Underground Studies, believes the mole people’s preference for McDonald’s food reveals disturbing truths about their physiology and intentions.
“The high sodium content and preservatives in fast food create the perfect nutritional profile for beings adapted to underground living,” Dr. Blackwood explained. “But what’s truly alarming is the scale of consumption we’re seeing. These aren’t just hungry creatures looking for a quick meal – this appears to be systematic stockpiling for some larger purpose.”
Corporate executives are reportedly panicking as they realize the full scope of the infiltration. Internal memos describe “significant structural modifications” discovered beneath restaurants, including ventilation systems that tap directly into McDonald’s kitchen exhaust fans and sophisticated pulley mechanisms for transporting large food shipments.
The mole people have demonstrated remarkable intelligence in their operations, timing their food acquisitions to coincide with peak business hours when the unusual activity would be less noticeable. They’ve even adapted to McDonald’s seasonal menu changes, with investigators finding evidence of increased McRib hoarding during limited-time promotions.
Perhaps most disturbing are reports of the mole people’s apparent ability to perfectly replicate McDonald’s food packaging and receipts, suggesting they may have infiltrated the company’s supply chain at multiple levels. Some franchise owners report finding empty food containers in their restaurants that appear identical to official McDonald’s packaging but contain subtle differences that indicate underground manufacturing.
The revelation has sent shockwaves through the fast food industry, with competitors like Burger King and Taco Bell launching their own investigations to determine if they too have been unknowingly feeding underground civilizations. Stock prices for major fast food chains have plummeted as investors grapple with the implications of having an entirely unknown customer base that operates outside traditional economic models.
McDonald’s corporate headquarters has remained tight-lipped about their next steps, but sources suggest they are considering everything from underground diplomatic negotiations to completely redesigning restaurant foundations to prevent further tunnel infiltration.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
