Australia introduces Kangaroo-Uber
Hops only for short distances
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – Government officials are scrambling to contain information about Australia’s most audacious transportation experiment yet, as leaked documents reveal the country has secretly launched a kangaroo-based rideshare service that threatens to revolutionize urban mobility while exposing decades of marsupial mind-control research.
Sources within the Australian Department of Alternative Transportation confirm that “Roo-ber,” as insiders call it, has been operating in select Sydney suburbs since March, using specially trained kangaroos equipped with custom-fitted passenger pouches and neural control implants developed in classified government laboratories.
The shocking program emerged from a joint venture between tech entrepreneurs and shadowy government bio-engineers who have been experimenting with marsupial cognition enhancement since the 1980s. What began as a wildlife management initiative has evolved into something far more sinister – a transportation network that could reshape how humans move through cities while advancing Australia’s secret agenda of biological supremacy.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes when this massive red kangaroo hopped up to my door with a little saddle and everything,” said Miranda Kowalski, a Bondi Beach resident who became one of the first unwitting test subjects. “The driver – I mean, the kangaroo – had these weird glowing eyes and seemed to understand exactly where I wanted to go without me saying anything. It was like it could read my thoughts.”
The marsupials, sources reveal, undergo months of intensive conditioning at a classified facility in the Outback, where government scientists implant them with microchips that enhance their natural GPS abilities and allow remote operators to guide them through urban environments. The kangaroos can carry passengers up to two kilometers before requiring rest, making them ideal for short-distance trips that traditional vehicles struggle with in congested city centers.
Dr. Reginald Thornberry, a former government biologist who claims to have worked on the project before fleeing to New Zealand, warns that Roo-ber represents just the tip of the iceberg in Australia’s biological warfare program. “What they’re not telling people is that these kangaroos are essentially living surveillance devices,” Thornberry revealed during a clandestine meeting in Auckland. “Every hop is monitored, every passenger conversation recorded. The government knows exactly who’s going where, when, and why. It’s the perfect espionage network disguised as eco-friendly transportation.”
Documents obtained through anonymous sources suggest the program’s ultimate goal extends far beyond ride-sharing. Internal memos reference “Phase Two” initiatives involving wombat delivery services and “tactical cassowary deployment” for crowd control during civil unrest. The files also hint at international expansion, with plans to export the technology to other nations under the guise of environmental sustainability.
The kangaroos themselves display unnaturally docile behavior that experts say contradicts everything known about marsupial psychology. Video footage shows the animals responding to smartphone app notifications with mechanical precision, adjusting their routes in real-time based on traffic data that appears to be fed directly into their enhanced brains.
Government officials vehemently deny the program’s existence, but residents in affected areas report seeing increasing numbers of unusually large kangaroos wearing what appear to be high-tech harnesses. Local veterinarians have been ordered to sign confidentiality agreements, and several wildlife researchers who attempted to study the animals have mysteriously disappeared.
The implications extend beyond transportation. If Australia has successfully weaponized its native wildlife for civilian control, what other creatures might be part of their clandestine operations? Koala surveillance units? Platypus underwater reconnaissance? The possibilities are as endless as they are terrifying.
As Roo-ber quietly expands to Melbourne and Brisbane, Australians remain largely unaware they’re participating in the world’s first large-scale human-marsupial integration experiment – one that could fundamentally alter the relationship between government, transportation, and biological control.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
