BRITISH MAN BUILDS TIME MACHINE FROM GARDEN SHED PARTS
Unemployed engineer travels to 1847 to warn Queen Victoria about reality TV shows
BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND – A shocking discovery has rocked the quiet suburbs of Birmingham after neighbors reported strange blue flashes and the distinct smell of burnt copper emanating from Nigel Pemberton’s garden shed for the past three months. What authorities initially dismissed as an illegal fireworks operation has now been revealed as something far more extraordinary: a fully functional time machine constructed entirely from common garden shed components.
Pemberton, 47, a former aerospace engineer who lost his job during recent defense budget cuts, claims he successfully traveled back to October 12, 1847, where he had a private audience with Queen Victoria herself. His mission? To warn the young monarch about the devastating cultural impact of reality television shows that would plague Britain more than 150 years in the future.
“I couldn’t just sit by and watch ‘Love Island’ destroy another generation,” Pemberton told this reporter through his kitchen window, clutching a cup of tea with trembling hands. “Her Majesty needed to know what was coming. The endless parade of manufactured drama, the celebration of vacuous celebrities, the complete erosion of intellectual discourse – it all had to be stopped at the source.”
According to Pemberton’s detailed journal, which he has shared exclusively with Weekly World News, his time machine consists of a modified lawn mower engine, seventeen car batteries wired in sequence, a satellite dish “borrowed” from his neighbor’s roof, and what he describes as “the quantum-entangled copper piping from my wife’s old greenhouse.” The entire contraption is housed within a standard 8×10 garden shed that he purchased from B&Q for £299.
The journey to 1847, Pemberton claims, lasted exactly four minutes and thirty-seven seconds of subjective time, during which he experienced “the most incredible sensation of being stretched like taffy through a cosmic washing machine.” He materialized in the gardens of Buckingham Palace during Queen Victoria’s morning constitutional, causing considerable alarm among her security detail.
“The guards nearly ran me through with their bayonets,” Pemberton recalls. “But once I explained I was from the future and showed them my mobile phone – the camera function really impressed them – they brought me directly to the Queen.”
Dr. Margaret Blackwood, a theoretical physicist at Cambridge University who has reviewed Pemberton’s technical specifications, admits the design shows surprising sophistication. “While I cannot endorse the possibility of actual time travel, Mr. Pemberton’s understanding of quantum mechanics and temporal field theory is remarkably advanced for someone working out of a garden shed. His calculations regarding chronoton particle acceleration are particularly intriguing, if completely insane.”
Pemberton’s account of his meeting with Queen Victoria reads like something from a fever dream. He describes the 28-year-old monarch as “surprisingly receptive” to his warnings about future entertainment programming, particularly after he explained the concept of dating shows where participants engage in romantic competitions while wearing minimal clothing.
“She was absolutely horrified,” Pemberton notes in his journal. “When I described ‘The Only Way Is Essex’ and ‘Geordie Shore,’ she actually fainted. Prince Albert had to fan her with his hat. But once she recovered, she made me promise to continue my research and find a way to prevent these programs from ever being created.”
The implications of Pemberton’s alleged temporal interference remain unclear. Several neighbors report strange fluctuations in their television reception, with some claiming their reality shows have been replaced by educational programming about Victorian history and proper etiquette.
Local authorities have been tight-lipped about the investigation, though sources within the West Midlands Police suggest they are taking the matter “very seriously indeed.” Government scientists from an undisclosed agency have reportedly confiscated several components from Pemberton’s shed, including what witnesses describe as “a glowing copper coil that hummed with otherworldly energy.”
As of press time, Pemberton claims he is preparing for a second temporal mission, this time targeting the 1920s to warn early radio pioneers about the eventual development of reality television. Whether his first journey actually succeeded in altering the timeline remains to be seen, though eagle-eyed television viewers may have noticed recent programming changes on several major networks.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
