COSMIC “BEEP-BEEP” OR SPACE SPYWARE?
Top-secret telescopes (the kind NASA swears don’t exist but totally do, hidden in a giant Walmart satellite dish in Nevada) picked up the signals when 3I Atlas cruised past Earth’s neighborhood like a cosmic door-to-door salesman.
“They’re mathematical, organized, and a little smug,” said one anonymous astronomer before being immediately escorted off-site by men in sunglasses and replaced with a cardboard cutout.
The pulses intensify when 3I Atlas aligns with planets, which has led some paranoid insiders to suspect it’s scanning us like a checkout barcode. Price check on aisle Earth: one fragile civilization, heavily discounted!
Meanwhile, during Atlas’s infamous “anti-tail” phase (cosmic speak for backwards comet day), the object emitted frequencies no natural body should produce — unless nature has recently gotten Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, and an unlimited data plan from Verizon Galactic.
Experts believe the patterns resemble everything from Morse code to techno remixes, with one decoded message allegedly spelling out: “BRB LOL”.
Even scarier, classified leaks claim one burst perfectly matched the jingle from a 1980s TV commercial for Mr. Clean. Some now fear Atlas isn’t just a comet — it’s a cosmic advertisement satellite, preparing to bombard Earth with interstellar pop-up ads.
“It’s either alien spyware or the universe’s worst DJ,” said Dr. Zeke Flannery, self-proclaimed “space psychic,” before putting a colander on his head “for protection.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
