Built entirely without animal products, it comes with bamboo casing, soy-based ink on the keyboard, and a special mode that blocks all burger ads.
RESEARCH TRIANGLE PARK, NC – Corporate whistleblowers have revealed that Lenowo’s shocking new “EcoVegan ThingPad” represents far more than environmental consciousness – it’s the first salvo in a coordinated campaign by Big Tech to reshape human dietary habits through subliminal computing technology.
The revolutionary laptop, which hit select markets this week amid unprecedented secrecy, features a bamboo fiber casing that allegedly “breathes” with the user’s moral choices, soy-based ink infused into every key, and what company insiders call “Compassion Mode” – a mysterious setting that automatically blocks all advertisements for meat products, leather goods, and even pet stores selling live animals.
But industry experts warn that this innocuous-sounding feature may be collecting far more data than consumers realize.
“What they’re not telling you is that the Compassion Mode doesn’t just block ads – it’s monitoring every keystroke, every website visit, every online purchase to build a comprehensive ‘ethics profile’ of each user,” revealed Dr. Miranda Greenhouse, a former Silicon Valley data analyst who now operates an underground tech watchdog group from an undisclosed location. “They’re essentially creating a behavioral modification system disguised as a laptop.”
The bamboo casing itself has raised eyebrows among materials scientists. Unlike traditional bamboo, Lenowo’s proprietary “NeoGrass” composite reportedly changes color based on the user’s internet browsing habits, shifting from a natural tan to deeper green shades when visiting environmentally-friendly websites, and allegedly turning an alarming shade of brown when accessing content related to factory farming or fast food.
Even more disturbing are reports from early adopters who claim the laptop has begun making decisions on their behalf. Jennifer Kalesworth, a graphic designer from Portland who received a prototype unit through Lenowo’s secretive beta program, described her experience: “At first I thought it was just really good spam filtering, but then I realized it was redirecting my grocery delivery orders. I’d try to order a pepperoni pizza, and somehow it would change to a veggie supreme with cashew cheese. My Amazon cart kept mysteriously filling up with hemp protein powder and nutritional yeast.”
Corporate documents leaked to this reporter reveal that the EcoVegan ThingPad’s development was funded through a shadowy consortium including major plant-based meat manufacturers, militant animal rights organizations, and at least three pharmaceutical companies specializing in vitamin B-12 supplements. The project, codenamed “Operation Grass Roots,” allegedly aims to convert at least 50 million laptop users to plant-based diets by 2026.
The soy-based keyboard ink contains what company scientists euphemistically call “aromatic enhancement compounds” – synthetic molecules that emit subtle scents designed to trigger cravings for plant-based foods while suppressing appetite for animal products. Beta testers report experiencing sudden urges to visit farmers markets and health food stores after extended typing sessions.
Perhaps most controversial is the laptop’s “Ethical Assistant,” an AI chatbot that appears without warning to challenge users’ lifestyle choices. Screenshots obtained by this publication show the assistant asking probing questions like “Are you sure that leather jacket aligns with your values?” and “Have you considered the carbon footprint of your lunch plans?”
Lenowo’s official response to these revelations has been suspiciously evasive. Company spokesperson Richard Chen issued only a brief statement: “The EcoVegan ThingPad represents our commitment to sustainable computing solutions that reflect the evolving consciousness of our user base.”
Meanwhile, competing manufacturers are reportedly scrambling to develop their own ideology-driven hardware. Unconfirmed reports suggest Dell is working on a “Paleo Laptop” powered by grass-fed beef tallow batteries, while Apple has allegedly filed patents for a “Mindfulness MacBook” that forces users into meditation breaks.
The EcoVegan ThingPad retails for $1,899, but early purchasers report receiving mysterious rebate checks from organizations with names like “The Future Food Foundation” and “Citizens for Compassionate Computing.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
