Doctors baffled, but say his skin is ‘deliciously smooth.
BOISE, IDAHO – In a stunning revelation that has left the scientific community scrambling for answers, 58-year-old Gerald “Spud” Morrison has allegedly survived for the past 42 years consuming nothing but mashed potatoes, defying every known principle of human nutrition and sparking wild theories about government cover-ups and alien intervention.
Morrison, a reclusive former accountant who lives in a converted potato silo outside Boise, claims he hasn’t eaten a single morsel of any other food since his 16th birthday, when a traumatic incident at a McDonald’s supposedly triggered his bizarre dietary transformation. What’s even more shocking is that medical professionals who have examined Morrison describe him as being in “impossibly perfect health,” with one doctor noting his skin has an “otherworldly, deliciously smooth texture.”
The story first came to light when Morrison’s estranged nephew, Bobby Kleinhammer, contacted authorities after discovering mountains of empty instant potato boxes during a welfare check. “I went to Uncle Gerald’s place thinking he might be dead, you know, because nobody had seen him in months,” Kleinhammer told this reporter. “But there he was, looking like he hadn’t aged a day since the Clinton administration, sitting at his kitchen table with a giant bowl of mashed potatoes, smooth as a baby’s bottom and glowing like he had some kind of internal light source.”
Government sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, hint that Morrison may have unknowingly become part of a classified agricultural experiment conducted by a shadowy consortium of potato farmers and pharmaceutical companies. Documents obtained through underground channels suggest that certain potato varieties grown in the Idaho region may contain previously unknown nutrients capable of sustaining human life indefinitely.
Dr. Francine Butterworth, a nutritionist at the controversial Institute for Impossible Medicine, examined Morrison extensively and made startling discoveries. “By every measure we know, this man should have died decades ago from malnutrition, scurvy, and a host of deficiency diseases,” Dr. Butterworth stated during a clandestine interview. “Instead, his blood work shows levels of vitamins and minerals that shouldn’t exist from his claimed diet. His skin elasticity is that of a 20-year-old, and when I touched his arm during examination, I’ll admit it felt remarkably… appetizing. It’s as if his cellular structure has been fundamentally altered.”
Morrison himself remains surprisingly nonchalant about his condition, though neighbors report strange occurrences around his property. Local farmer Ethel Crankshaw claims she’s witnessed Morrison’s potato plants growing at “supernatural speeds” and glowing with an eerie blue light during full moons. County records show Morrison’s water usage is 400% higher than average, all apparently dedicated to potato preparation.
More disturbing are the recent reports of government vehicles spotted near Morrison’s residence. Black SUVs with no license plates have been photographed by conspiracy theorists who believe Morrison represents either an evolutionary leap forward or evidence of extraterrestrial genetic manipulation. Some theorize that aliens have been secretly modifying Earth’s potato supply as part of a long-term colonization strategy.
Morrison’s medical records, partially leaked by whistleblowers, reveal that his digestive system has undergone inexplicable changes. His stomach apparently produces enzymes unknown to science, and his intestinal tract shows structural modifications that seem designed specifically for processing starches. Most mysteriously, his skin cells contain trace amounts of compounds typically found only in potato peels.
The potato industry has remained suspiciously silent about Morrison’s case, with major producers refusing to comment and several executives reportedly fleeing the country. Meanwhile, copycat “potato purists” attempting to replicate Morrison’s diet have all been hospitalized within weeks, raising questions about what makes Morrison so uniquely adapted to his unusual lifestyle.
As investigations continue, Morrison has vanished from his silo residence, leaving behind only empty potato boxes and what witnesses describe as “the most intoxicating aroma of butter and cream.” Federal agencies deny any involvement in his disappearance, but local residents report seeing unmarked helicopters in the area.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
