Lincoln now in skinny jeans, Churchill in sequins — textbooks scrambled in horror
MILAN, ITALY – A rogue time-traveling fashion editor from a major international style magazine has been systematically altering history’s most iconic figures, leaving historians, educators, and reality itself in complete disarray.
Sources close to the investigation reveal that Miranda Fashionista-Von Zeitgeist, former senior editor at an unnamed haute couture publication, has been using a stolen temporal displacement device to impose modern fashion sensibilities on historical figures. The shocking revelation came to light when textbook publishers worldwide began receiving frantic calls from teachers whose history books were mysteriously changing overnight.
“I opened my American History textbook Tuesday morning to teach about the Civil War, and there was Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg wearing skinny jeans, a man-bun, and artisanal suspenders,” reported shocked high school teacher Margaret Pemberton of Topeka, Kansas. “The Emancipation Proclamation was written on hemp paper with organic ink, and Lincoln was photographed holding a kombucha instead of his traditional top hat.”
The fashion terrorist’s rampage through time appears to be comprehensive and methodical. Winston Churchill has been spotted in recently updated World War II documentaries wearing a fabulous sequined dinner jacket while delivering his famous “We shall never surrender” speech. Napoleon Bonaparte’s famous pose has been altered to showcase him in a crop top and high-waisted palazzo pants, while his hand tucked into his jacket now reveals perfectly manicured nails in millennial pink.
Dr. Reginald Timesworth, Professor of Temporal Studies at the Institute for Chronological Integrity, warns that the fashion makeovers are causing dangerous ripples throughout the space-time continuum. “The implications are staggering,” Timesworth explained during an emergency press conference. “We’re seeing Shakespeare in athleisure wear writing Instagram captions instead of sonnets. George Washington is crossing the Delaware in designer Wellington boots while livestreaming the event. The very fabric of history is being replaced with actual fabric – expensive fabric.”
Intelligence agencies from multiple countries have confirmed that Von Zeitgeist’s fashion reign of terror extends far beyond political figures. The Mona Lisa now sports a septum piercing and galaxy-print leggings. Ancient Egyptian pharaohs have been retrofitted with statement jewelry and color-coordinated burial wraps. Even prehistoric cave paintings now feature cavemen in designer loinclothes and Neanderthal women carrying what appear to be primitive versions of luxury handbags.
The mysterious fashionista’s motivation remains unclear, though leaked documents from her former employer suggest she was passed over for a promotion to Editor-in-Chief just days before the temporal fashion spree began. Industry insiders whisper that Von Zeitgeist had repeatedly pitched “Timeless Style: A Historical Fashion Makeover Series” to magazine executives, only to have the concept rejected as “too avant-garde for mainstream audiences.”
Parents and educators are demanding immediate action as children’s understanding of history becomes increasingly distorted. Ancient Roman senators now appear in togas made from sustainable bamboo fiber, while medieval knights quest for the Holy Grail in ergonomically designed armor with built-in climate control systems.
Government agencies remain tight-lipped about their efforts to apprehend the rogue editor, though classified sources suggest a joint task force of fashion police and temporal enforcement agents has been assembled. Meanwhile, museums worldwide have closed their historical exhibits as artifacts continue morphing into trendy, Pinterest-worthy versions of their former selves.
The search for Von Zeitgeist continues as historians race against time to restore authentic historical records before an entire generation grows up believing that Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity while wearing moisture-wicking performance wear and LED-enhanced safety accessories.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
