Couples Therapist Says ‘Honestly, Fair’
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN – In what food relationship experts are calling “the taco incident heard ’round the world,” 28-year-old marketing coordinator Jessica Morales has ended her three-year relationship with boyfriend Derek Patterson after he committed what she describes as “the ultimate act of culinary betrayal” during a routine Tuesday night dinner order.
The shocking breakup occurred last week when Patterson, 31, allegedly ordered hard shell tacos with ground beef, lettuce, and mild salsa from their usual Mexican restaurant – despite Morales having explicitly requested soft corn tortillas with carnitas, cilantro, onions, and extra verde sauce “at least seventeen times” during their phone conversation.
“I watched through the window as Derek hung up the phone, and I just knew something was terribly wrong,” reported neighbor Martha Kowalski, who witnessed the aftermath from her apartment across the street. “Twenty minutes later, I heard this blood-curdling scream, followed by what sounded like a taco shell being hurled against the wall. Then Jessica came storming out with two suitcases, shouting something about ‘gastronomic gaslighting.'”
What makes this breakup particularly extraordinary, according to underground relationship analysts, is the disturbing pattern of “food order sabotage” that allegedly preceded the final taco catastrophe. Sources close to the couple reveal that Patterson had previously committed similar infractions, including ordering thin crust pizza when Morales specifically requested deep dish, substituting regular fries for sweet potato fries without permission, and once – in what Morales called “an act of pure malice” – ordering a turkey sandwich when she had clearly stated her desire for pastrami on rye.
Dr. Samantha Wellington, a licensed couples therapist and author of “When Love Goes Stale: Food-Related Relationship Disasters,” shocked the therapeutic community when she publicly sided with Morales in a statement that has since gone viral across social media platforms.
“Honestly, fair,” Dr. Wellington declared during an emergency press conference held outside her practice. “What we’re seeing here isn’t just about tacos – it’s about respect, communication, and the fundamental ability to listen to your partner’s most basic needs. If you can’t remember that your girlfriend of three years prefers carnitas to ground beef, what does that say about your capacity for emotional intimacy? The taco was merely the catalyst for a much deeper reckoning.”
The incident has sparked a nationwide debate about what relationship experts are now calling “Culinary Compatibility Syndrome” – a previously unrecognized condition that may affect up to 73% of American couples, according to preliminary data from the Institute for Food-Based Relationship Research.
Underground sources suggest that major restaurant chains are now secretly developing “couple verification protocols” to prevent similar disasters. These alleged systems would reportedly require both partners to confirm orders through separate text message verification, with some establishments considering the implementation of “relationship status scanners” that would alert staff to potentially volatile food preference situations.
Meanwhile, Patterson has reportedly sought refuge at his mother’s house, where he continues to maintain his innocence despite mounting evidence of his pattern of order-related negligence. Anonymous sources claim he has been spotted at various local Mexican restaurants, apparently “practicing” different taco combinations while muttering about “second chances” and “the one that got away.”
The case has attracted attention from legal experts specializing in food-related domestic disputes, with some suggesting that Patterson’s actions could constitute “deliberate culinary misconduct” under recently proposed legislation in several states.
As this shocking story continues to unfold, one thing remains clear: the seemingly innocent act of ordering takeout may never be the same again.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
