IT Department Reportedly Sends Him a Birthday Card Every Year
MILWAUKEE, WI – In what cybersecurity experts are calling “the most mind-boggling case of digital dependency in modern history,” local resident Derek Pembleton, 34, has successfully maintained access to over 200 online accounts using exclusively the “Forgot Password” function for the past seven years.
Sources within Pembleton’s workplace, a mid-sized insurance firm, confirm that the IT department has not only grown accustomed to his daily password reset requests but has begun treating him as a beloved mascot. “We started sending Derek birthday cards in 2019,” admits Janet Kowalski, Senior IT Specialist. “At first it was ironic, but honestly, he’s become like family. We’ve even set up a dedicated email folder just for his requests – it gets about 15-20 messages per day.”
The phenomenon began innocuously enough in 2017 when Pembleton forgot his work email password. Rather than writing it down or using a password manager as suggested by IT, he discovered he could simply click “Forgot Password” and receive a reset link within minutes. What started as a one-time convenience has since evolved into what researchers are calling “the most elaborate authentication workaround ever documented.”
Dr. Miranda Blackstone, a digital behavior specialist at the Institute for Unusual Internet Phenomena, believes Pembleton’s case represents something far more sinister than simple forgetfulness. “This isn’t random,” she warns. “Derek has somehow reverse-engineered the entire concept of password security. He’s created a system where forgetting IS remembering. It’s either genius or the beginning of the end of cybersecurity as we know it.”
The scope of Pembleton’s operation is staggering. Banking websites, streaming services, social media platforms, online shopping accounts, and even his smart home system – all accessed exclusively through password reset protocols. His browser bookmarks folder, obtained through anonymous sources, contains over 400 saved “Reset Your Password” pages from various websites.
“I’ve watched him log into Netflix,” reports neighbor Sandra Wilkins, still visibly shaken by the experience. “He types in his email, clicks ‘Forgot Password,’ checks his phone for the reset link, creates a new password, and he’s in within 90 seconds. He does this EVERY SINGLE TIME he wants to watch a show. It’s like watching someone disarm a bomb, except the bomb is just trying to watch ‘The Office’ reruns.”
Perhaps most disturbing is Pembleton’s systematic approach to the madness. Investigation reveals he maintains a complex rotation of nearly identical passwords – “Password1,” “Password2,” “Password3” – cycling through them to avoid using the same password twice in one day. When questioned about his methods, Pembleton seemed genuinely confused by the concern.
Industry insiders suggest that major tech companies have begun monitoring what they’re calling “The Pembleton Protocol.” Amazon reportedly sends him fruit baskets during the holidays, while Google has allegedly created a special server cluster dedicated solely to processing his authentication requests.
The psychological implications are equally troubling. Dr. Blackstone theorizes that Pembleton may have developed a form of “authentication amnesia” – a condition where the brain actively purges password information to maintain dependency on reset systems. “He’s essentially outsourced his memory to the internet,” she explains. “It’s like he’s become a cyborg, except instead of enhanced abilities, he’s just really committed to forgetting things.”
Local IT departments across Milwaukee have reportedly begun holding monthly meetings to discuss “Pembleton-adjacent incidents,” as copycat cases emerge throughout the metro area. The Wisconsin Department of Digital Security has classified the situation as “ongoing but contained,” though some experts worry about potential spread.
As this investigation continues, one thing remains clear: Derek Pembleton has fundamentally altered the relationship between humans and digital authentication, proving that sometimes the most revolutionary acts come disguised as the most ordinary forgetfulness.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
