NASA examines return policy, aliens insist on 5-star rating despite lousy delivery time
PASADENA, CA – What scientists initially thought was an ordinary interstellar object from beyond our solar system has turned out to be the most embarrassing cosmic delivery mishap in galactic history, according to leaked documents from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory.
The mysterious object known as ‘Oumuamua’s predecessor, officially designated 3I Atlas, has been conclusively identified as an Amazon package ordered by inhabitants of the Zeta Reticuli star system – a whopping 47 years ago. The shocking revelation came after NASA’s Deep Space Network intercepted frantic intergalactic customer service complaints demanding refunds and threatening negative reviews.
Dr. Miranda Zollinger, a xenoarchaeologist working on the classified project, couldn’t contain her amazement. “When we finally cracked open that thing, we found what appears to be 47-year-old alien toilet paper, some kind of tentacle moisturizer, and – get this – a ‘Best Dad in the Galaxy’ mug that’s probably ice-cold by now. The packing slip clearly shows it was supposed to arrive in 1977, but somehow got caught in Earth’s gravitational pull and has been orbiting our sun ever since.”
The package, roughly 400 meters long and shaped like a cosmic burrito, had puzzled astronomers with its unusual tumbling motion and reflective surface. Now they know why – it’s wrapped in Amazon’s signature metallic packaging, designed to survive the harsh conditions of interstellar shipping routes.
Even more disturbing is NASA’s discovery that Earth appears to be listed as an unauthorized “package holding facility” in some vast alien logistics network. The implications are staggering: our planet may have been serving as an unpaid cosmic warehouse for decades without our knowledge.
“They’re treating us like some backwater depot,” fumed Jenkins McGillicuddy, a former Amazon warehouse worker who NASA secretly recruited for his package-handling expertise. “I’ve seen some delayed deliveries in my time, but 47 years? That’s beyond next-day shipping – that’s next-half-century shipping!”
The customer complaints intercepted by radio telescopes paint a picture of intergalactic fury. The aliens, identified only by the username “TentacleDad47,” have been bombarding Amazon’s customer service algorithms with increasingly hostile messages demanding not only a full refund but also compensation for “emotional distress caused by Father’s Day gift arriving 47 Father’s Days late.”
NASA administrators are reportedly in panic mode, frantically trying to determine if Earth is contractually obligated to deliver the package or if they can simply mark it “return to sender.” The legal implications are mind-boggling – are we technically Amazon employees now? Do we owe back wages? What about benefits?
Government sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, reveal that Amazon CEO Andy Jassy has been in secret negotiations with the aliens, desperately trying to salvage the company’s intergalactic reputation. The aliens are reportedly demanding not just a refund, but also Prime membership for their entire solar system, free shipping on all future orders, and a personal apology from Jeff Bezos delivered via hologram.
“The worst part is they’re threatening to leave a one-star review,” whispered a Pentagon insider. “Do you know what that could do to Earth’s rating as a delivery destination? We could get blacklisted from the entire galactic shipping network!”
The situation has become so serious that the United Nations has convened an emergency session to address what diplomats are calling “The Great Package Debacle of 2024.” Early reports suggest they’re considering launching the delayed package toward Zeta Reticuli using a modified SpaceX rocket, along with a gift card for the inconvenience.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are having a field day, claiming this proves their long-held suspicions that Amazon’s real business model involves exploiting planets as unauthorized distribution centers throughout the galaxy.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
