Witnesses Report Hearing Gator Say, ‘Dude, Just Order Another One'
EVERGLADES CITY, FL – What started as an ordinary Tuesday night pizza delivery in the Florida Everglades has blown wide open a conspiracy that reaches the highest levels of government and exposes the shocking truth about inter-species communication that authorities have been hiding from the American public for decades.
Local pizza delivery driver Jake “Gator Jake” Morrison, 34, was making what he thought would be a routine drop-off at a remote airboat dock when he encountered something that would forever change our understanding of Florida’s apex predators – and their surprising knowledge of food delivery apps.
According to Morrison’s sworn testimony, obtained exclusively by Weekly World News, he was carrying the final slice of a large pepperoni pizza when a massive 12-foot American alligator emerged from the murky waters. But this wasn’t your typical gator encounter. This prehistoric beast had apparently been watching Morrison’s delivery route and had developed what can only be described as an unhealthy obsession with Tony’s Pizza Palace’s signature crust.
“The gator just slithered right up to me, bold as brass, and started eyeing that last slice,” Morrison recounted from his hospital bed, where he’s recovering from what doctors are calling “the most peculiar set of pizza-related injuries in medical history.” “Next thing I know, we’re locked in mortal combat over a piece of pepperoni pizza. But here’s the kicker – the whole time we’re wrestling, this gator is talking to me in perfect English!”
Witnesses at the nearby Gator Bait Marina corroborate Morrison’s incredible account. Bartender Dolores Swampwater was closing up when she heard the commotion outside.
“I seen some weird stuff in my 40 years living in the Everglades, but nothing like this,” Swampwater stated, still visibly shaken. “That gator was speaking clear as day, telling Jake he should just use his DoorDash app to order another pizza. It even knew the promo codes! How does a reptile know about BOGO Tuesday deals?”
The implications are staggering. Sources within the Pentagon, speaking on condition of anonymity, have confirmed the existence of Operation Scaly Tongue, a classified program dating back to the 1960s that has been secretly teaching human language to various reptile species for potential military applications. The program was allegedly shut down in 1987, but evidence suggests it may have gone underground.
Dr. Cornelius Herpowitz, former government cryptozoologist and author of “They Walk Among Us: Reptilian Intelligence in Modern America,” believes this incident proves what conspiracy theorists have long suspected.
“The government has been covering up reptilian intelligence for decades,” Dr. Herpowitz explained via encrypted satellite phone from an undisclosed location. “What we’re seeing in Florida is just the tip of the iceberg. These creatures have been living alongside us, learning our customs, our language, even our dietary preferences. The fact that this particular specimen knew about pizza delivery protocols suggests a level of cultural integration that frankly terrifies me.”
The wrestling match lasted approximately 37 minutes before Morrison, using techniques he claims to have learned from watching WWE, managed to pin the articulate alligator long enough to escape with the contested pizza slice. Security footage from the marina, which has mysteriously disappeared from local law enforcement custody, allegedly shows the defeated gator shrugging its massive shoulders and muttering something about “humans being so selfish” before sliding back into the water.
Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officials have dismissed the incident as “heat stroke and too much bourbon,” but their hurried press conference and suspicious lack of eye contact tells a different story. Why won’t they investigate? What are they hiding?
Tony’s Pizza Palace has reported a 347% increase in orders to remote Everglades locations since news of the incident broke, with several customers specifically requesting “gator-proof” delivery containers.
Morrison has since invested in a full suit of medieval armor for his delivery routes and carries a backup pizza at all times. “If there’s one talking gator out there with a taste for pepperoni,” he warns, “there’s probably more.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
