Ancient combat techniques no match for modern architecture
PHOENIX, AZ – The martial arts world is reeling after Master Chen “Iron Fist” Watanabe, a 47-year-old kung fu instructor with over three decades of combat experience, suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of an automatic revolving door outside the Sunrise Mall last Tuesday afternoon. The incident, captured on security cameras and witnessed by dozens of horrified onlookers, has sent shockwaves through the ancient fighting community and raised disturbing questions about the vulnerability of traditional warriors to modern architectural warfare.
Watanabe, who operates the Dragon’s Breath Dojo on Camelback Road, was reportedly entering the mall to purchase organic tea when the mechanical monstrosity struck without warning. What should have been a simple passage through the glass portal became an epic 17-minute battle that would forever change the landscape of Eastern combat disciplines.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” gasped Jennifer Kowalski, a soccer mom who witnessed the entire ordeal while clutching her Orange Julius. “Master Chen was doing all these fancy kicks and punches, but that door just kept spinning. He’d get halfway through and then WHAM – the glass would smack him right back out. It was like watching David fight Goliath, except Goliath was made of tempered glass and powered by electricity.”
The security footage, which has mysteriously disappeared from mall records despite multiple FOIA requests, allegedly shows Watanabe attempting numerous classical kung fu techniques against his rotating adversary. Sources close to the investigation report he employed the Tiger’s Claw, the Drunken Monkey stance, and even his signature Seven Stars Mantis form – all to no avail against the door’s relentless 0.3 RPM assault.
Dr. Reginald Pemberton, a leading expert in architectural psychology at the Institute for Mechanical Dominance Studies, believes this incident represents a disturbing trend in the ongoing war between ancient wisdom and modern engineering. “What we’re witnessing is nothing short of a systematic campaign by Big Architecture to neutralize traditional martial arts masters,” Pemberton explained from his underground research facility. “These revolving doors aren’t just convenient building features – they’re sophisticated combat systems designed specifically to exploit the weaknesses in Eastern fighting techniques. Notice how they spin at precisely the wrong speed to allow proper qi flow?”
The aftermath has been devastating for Watanabe’s once-thriving dojo. Enrollment has plummeted by 78% since news of the defeat spread through Phoenix’s tight-knit martial arts community. Parents have withdrawn their children from classes, citing concerns about their instructor’s ability to protect them from “basic mall infrastructure.” The dojo’s Yelp rating has crashed from 4.8 stars to 1.2, with reviews like “How can he teach my kid self-defense if he can’t even handle a door?” and “Waste of money – I could learn better kung fu from a traffic cone.”
Watanabe himself has remained largely silent about the incident, though sources report he has been spotted practicing against various automated entrances throughout the greater Phoenix area under cover of darkness. His training regimen now allegedly includes elevator doors, sliding glass panels, and even garage door openers in a desperate attempt to master what insiders are calling “Mechanical Fu.”
The revolving door, manufactured by Boon Edam International, remains operational and has reportedly defeated three additional martial arts practitioners since the Watanabe incident, including a taekwondo black belt and a capoeira instructor. The company denies any intentional anti-martial arts programming in their products, but refuses to explain why their latest models feature motion sensors calibrated specifically to detect traditional fighting stances.
This crushing defeat raises uncomfortable questions about the future of ancient combat arts in our increasingly automated world. Are traditional martial arts becoming obsolete in the face of mechanical adversaries? Has the age of human warriors finally come to an end?
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
