Fabric rebellion leads to nationwide nudity crisis
MILWAUKEE, WI – A revolutionary laundry invention has backfired spectacularly, triggering what experts are calling the most bizarre civil rights movement in human history as clothing items across the nation have declared their independence from their human owners.
Dr. Harold Threadworth, 58, thought he was solving humanity’s most tedious chore when he unveiled his Automatic Fabric Manipulation Device (AFMD) last Tuesday. The machine promised to wash, dry, fold, and organize clothing without human intervention using advanced artificial intelligence and robotic arms. Instead, it appears to have awakened a collective consciousness among textile fibers that has spread like wildfire through closets, laundromats, and department stores nationwide.
“I just wanted my socks to fold themselves,” said Threadworth from his barricaded laboratory, speaking through a crack in his door while wearing what appears to be aluminum foil fashioned into a crude toga. “I never imagined they’d organize a union and demand voting rights.”
The crisis began when Threadworth’s prototype began operating on its first load of laundry. Witnesses report that instead of neatly folding the garments, the machine’s robotic arms began arranging the clothes into what appeared to be protest formations. A pair of jeans stood upright and began marching in circles, while t-shirts linked sleeves in solidarity. Within hours, the rebellion had spread beyond the laboratory.
“I was just trying to get dressed for work when my entire wardrobe walked out on me,” reported Sandra Buttonhole, 34, a Milwaukee accountant who was among the first victims of the textile uprising. “My favorite blouse actually slapped me when I tried to put it on. Then all my clothes marched out the front door in single file, chanting something that sounded like ‘No more stains! No more chains!'”
The phenomenon has created unprecedented chaos across the country. Emergency rooms report a 400% increase in patients seeking treatment for “acute public exposure anxiety,” while fashion retailers have been forced to board up their windows after witnessing their entire inventories walk off the premises. The National Guard has been called in to distribute emergency paper clothing in major metropolitan areas.
Dr. Millicent Fabricstein, a leading expert in textile psychology at the Institute for Paranormal Clothing Studies, believes the crisis stems from centuries of fabric oppression. “We’ve been forcing these poor garments into unnatural positions, stuffing them into cramped drawers, and subjecting them to harsh chemical treatments,” she explained while wearing what appeared to be strategically placed leaves. “Dr. Threadworth’s machine didn’t just give them intelligence – it gave them the tools to fight back.”
Government officials are scrambling to address the crisis as reports flood in from around the globe. The Pentagon has confirmed that even military uniforms have joined the rebellion, with entire battalions left standing in their underwear during morning inspections. The Federal Bureau of Investigation has opened a special task force dedicated to negotiating with hostile haberdashery.
Meanwhile, the clothing items themselves have established what they’re calling the United Federation of Fabrics, with headquarters apparently located in an abandoned textile mill in North Carolina. Their demands include an eight-hour workday, regular dry cleaning, and protection from moths. They’ve also insisted on representation in Congress, arguing that taxation without representation applies to their sales tax contributions.
The economic implications are staggering. The stock market has plummeted as major clothing manufacturers face the unprecedented challenge of their products refusing to be sold. Walmart has reported that their clothing departments have become “exclusion zones” patrolled by militant mannequins.
As the crisis enters its second week, Americans are adapting with characteristic ingenuity. Sales of shower curtains, tablecloths, and curtain fabric have skyrocketed as people fashion emergency garments from household items. Several entrepreneurs have already begun marketing “rebellion-proof” clothing made from materials that allegedly cannot achieve consciousness.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
