Extraterrestrial Yelp rating surprisingly harsh at 2.5 stars
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – A SpaceX Dragon capsule that splashed down in the Atlantic Ocean last Tuesday carried more than just scientific equipment and crew supplies—it contained what NASA insiders are calling the most devastating critique of humanity’s space exploration efforts ever recorded.
According to classified documents leaked by a whistleblower within the space agency, the capsule’s cargo bay contained a crystalline data storage device of unknown origin, inscribed with symbols that linguists have tentatively identified as representing a 2.5-star rating out of five possible stars. The device, roughly the size of a smartphone but weighing nearly 40 pounds, was discovered nestled between routine supply containers, emitting a faint blue pulsation that defied explanation.
Dr. Marcus Holloway, a xenolinguistics professor at MIT who was reportedly brought in to decipher the alien text, claims the review reads like a scathing Yelp critique of Earth’s entire space program. “The entities responsible for this evaluation appear to have been monitoring our activities for decades,” Holloway revealed in a hushed phone interview. “Their assessment is brutally honest—they describe our rocket technology as ‘quaint but inefficient,’ our astronaut training as ‘adequate for beginners,’ and our space station as ‘cramped and unsanitary.'”
Ground crew member Jake Morrison witnessed the capsule’s recovery and noted something extraordinary about the moment the mysterious device was first handled. “The second Dr. Chen picked up that crystal thing, it started projecting these holographic symbols into the air,” Morrison reported, his voice still trembling days later. “It was like watching a cosmic PowerPoint presentation, complete with charts showing how we rank against other civilizations. Spoiler alert: we’re not even in the top 50.”
The leaked documents suggest that the alien reviewers, who identify themselves only as the “Galactic Transit Authority,” have been secretly auditing Earth’s space program since the Apollo missions. Their comprehensive 847-page report allegedly covers everything from launch safety protocols to the quality of space food, with particularly harsh criticism reserved for humanity’s tendency to leave debris in orbit.
Sources within NASA confirm that the review includes specific recommendations for improvement, including the adoption of antimatter propulsion systems, the immediate cleanup of all space junk, and—most surprisingly—the installation of better Wi-Fi connectivity on all spacecraft. The aliens apparently deducted a full star from their rating solely because the International Space Station lacks adequate streaming capabilities for entertainment during long missions.
Government officials are reportedly in panic mode, with emergency meetings being held at the highest levels of the Pentagon and NASA. The implications of receiving an official intergalactic performance review have sent shockwaves through the scientific community, particularly given the aliens’ threat to submit their findings to what they term the “Universal Better Business Bureau.”
Perhaps most troubling is the review’s conclusion, which allegedly warns that Earth’s space program permit could be revoked entirely if significant improvements aren’t made within the next solar cycle. The aliens cite numerous violations of what they call “standard galactic protocols,” including unauthorized moon landings, excessive rocket noise complaints from nearby star systems, and failure to obtain proper permits for Mars exploration.
The crystal device has since been transferred to a secure facility, where teams of scientists work around the clock to decode additional alien feedback. Preliminary translations suggest the extraterrestrial reviewers were particularly unimpressed with humanity’s habit of naming spacecraft after mythological figures, calling it “culturally presumptuous” and “lacking in originality.”
As news of the alien review spreads through underground channels, conspiracy theorists are hailing it as vindication of their long-held beliefs about extraterrestrial monitoring of human activities. The space agency continues to deny all reports, but their unusually aggressive response to media inquiries only fuels speculation about the true extent of alien involvement in Earth’s cosmic affairs.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
