Extraterrestrial Colony Demands Diplomatic Immunity from Flossing
TULSA, OKLAHOMA – A routine dental cleaning has exposed what may be the most shocking alien invasion in human history, as Dr. Marcus Whitfield of Sunny Smiles Dental Clinic discovered that his patient’s teeth are actually a thriving colony of microscopic extraterrestrial beings who have been secretly living in human mouths for millennia.
The earth-shattering revelation came to light last Tuesday when 34-year-old insurance adjuster Beverly Hartman came in for her six-month cleaning. What should have been a standard procedure turned into first contact with an advanced alien civilization when Dr. Whitfield’s dental probe was met with what he describes as “tiny screams of protest.”
“I thought I was hearing things at first,” Dr. Whitfield told this reporter, his hands still trembling as he recounted the extraordinary encounter. “But then I looked closer under the microscope, and I could see them – hundreds of miniature beings with their own little cities built right into the enamel structure. They had infrastructure, Dr. Whitfield emphasized, his voice rising with excitement. “Microscopic roads, buildings, even what appeared to be recreational facilities carved into the calcium deposits.”
The alien colony, which calls itself the “Dental Dominion of Molareth,” immediately established communication through a series of high-pitched vibrations that only became audible when amplified through Dr. Whitfield’s ultrasonic cleaning equipment. Their spokesperson, a being roughly the size of a bacterium who goes by the name Incisor Prime, wasted no time in making their demands known to the human race.
Through painstaking translation work conducted by xenolinguist Dr. Patricia Goldberg of the Underground Institute for Extraterrestrial Studies, the aliens’ message became crystal clear: they want complete diplomatic immunity from all dental hygiene practices, particularly flossing, which they consider an act of “aggressive urban renewal” that destroys their carefully constructed civilizations overnight.
“These beings have been living symbiotically with humans for thousands of years,” explained Dr. Goldberg, who flew in from her secret laboratory in Nevada within hours of the discovery. “What we call plaque is actually their primary building material – a sophisticated bio-concrete they’ve perfected over generations. When we scrape it away, we’re essentially bulldozing entire neighborhoods.”
The aliens claim responsibility for tooth decay, which they insist is not a disease but rather their mining operations extracting essential minerals for their expanding underground cities. Cavities, according to Incisor Prime’s translated testimony, are carefully planned excavation sites where different alien castes perform specialized functions to maintain the delicate ecosystem of the human mouth.
Beverly Hartman, the unwitting host to this cosmic revelation, remains in protective custody at an undisclosed location while government officials determine how to proceed with these unprecedented diplomatic negotiations. “I always wondered why my teeth hurt when I flossed,” Hartman revealed during a brief phone interview. “Now I know I was committing genocide every night before bed. The guilt is overwhelming.”
Sources within the Department of Health and Human Services confirm that emergency meetings are being held to address the alien colony’s demands. The tiny extraterrestrials have threatened to accelerate their mining operations – causing widespread tooth loss across the human population – if their sovereignty isn’t recognized within 30 days.
Dr. Whitfield’s practice has been temporarily shuttered while federal investigators comb through patient records, searching for evidence of similar alien settlements. Preliminary examinations suggest that the phenomenon may be far more widespread than initially believed, with colonies potentially residing in the mouths of millions of unsuspecting Americans.
The American Dental Association has yet to issue an official statement, though insider sources report heated debates about whether traditional dental practices constitute violations of interspecies treaties that were never formally recognized by human governments.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
