Citizenship Immediately Revoked, Forced to Relocate to Belgium
PARIS, FRANCE – In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through the French Republic and beyond, 34-year-old Pierre Dubois of Lyon has been stripped of his French citizenship after publicly confessing his genuine appreciation for American fast food during what witnesses describe as an “unhinged outburst” at a local café.
The incident occurred last Tuesday evening at Café de la Paix, where Dubois was reportedly enjoying a glass of bordeaux with colleagues when the conversation turned to American cuisine. According to multiple eyewitnesses, Dubois suddenly slammed his fist on the table and shouted, “I cannot live this lie anymore! McDonald’s Big Mac is actually quite delicious, and I prefer KFC to our own poulet!”
The café fell silent as patrons stared in horror at what many are calling the most treasonous admission in French history since the Vichy regime.
“It was like watching someone confess to murder,” said Marie Leclerc, a fellow café patron who witnessed the shocking declaration. “His eyes were wild, desperate. He kept going on about how Taco Bell’s Crunchwrap Supreme was ‘innovative’ and that Subway sandwiches were ‘surprisingly fresh.’ We all just sat there, mouths agape, wondering if we were witnessing a complete mental breakdown.”
Within hours of the incident, French authorities had launched a full investigation into Dubois’ background, discovering what sources describe as a “treasure trove” of evidence supporting his anti-French culinary sympathies. Hidden in his apartment, investigators found receipts from over 200 visits to American fast food establishments across Europe, a secret collection of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys, and most damning of all, a handwritten journal detailing his “quest to try every item on the Burger King menu.”
The French Ministry of Cultural Purity, a previously unknown government agency that sources claim has been operating in secret since 1789, acted swiftly to revoke Dubois’ citizenship under Article 47-B of the obscure “Protection of Gallic Gastronomy Act.”
“This is not merely about food preferences,” explained Dr. Henri Baguette, a leading expert in French cultural nationalism at the Sorbonne. “This man has committed an act of culinary treason that strikes at the very heart of what it means to be French. Our cuisine is not just sustenance—it is our soul, our identity, our contribution to human civilization. To prefer processed American food products is to reject 2,000 years of French cultural evolution.”
The Belgian government, apparently eager to accept France’s cultural reject, has already granted Dubois emergency asylum status and a small apartment in Brussels. Sources within the Belgian Immigration Office suggest this is part of a larger conspiracy to undermine French cultural superiority by collecting their “defective citizens.”
But the scandal doesn’t end there. Leaked documents from the Ministry of Cultural Purity reveal that Dubois is merely the tip of the iceberg in what officials are calling “Operation Fromage.” The investigation has allegedly uncovered an underground network of French citizens who secretly prefer American fast food, with members communicating through coded messages hidden in Yelp reviews and meeting in abandoned McDonald’s PlayPlaces across rural France.
Even more disturbing, intelligence sources suggest that this fast food conspiracy may be connected to a broader American cultural infiltration program designed to weaken European culinary traditions from within. The evidence includes suspicious patterns of American fast food restaurant openings near prestigious French culinary schools and reports of mysterious “flavor enhancement chemicals” being detected in the water supply of major French cities.
As news of Dubois’ exile spreads, French citizens are reportedly conducting mass purges of their pantries, disposing of any products that might suggest American culinary influence. Sales of traditional French foods have skyrocketed, while American restaurant chains have gone into lockdown mode, fearing violent reprisals from angry French patriots.
The government has established a hotline for citizens to report suspected fast food sympathizers, and rumors persist that similar investigations are being launched in Italy and Spain.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
