Customer receives plate of "how to adult" with side of existential dread
SILICON VALLEY, CA – A revolutionary new restaurant has opened its doors in the heart of tech country, serving meals based entirely on customers’ Google search histories – and the results are more disturbing than anyone could have imagined.
The establishment, cryptically named “Search & Serve,” claims to use proprietary algorithms to transform digital footprints into edible experiences. But what started as a novelty dining concept has quickly devolved into psychological warfare on a plate, leaving customers confronting their deepest insecurities through avant-garde cuisine.
Local software engineer Marcus Chen thought he was in for a quirky meal when he made reservations last Tuesday. Instead, he received what the menu described as “how to adult” – a deconstructed dish featuring undercooked chicken (representing his fear of food poisoning from cooking), wilted vegetables arranged in the shape of unpaid bills, and a mysterious black sauce that servers claimed symbolized “imposter syndrome.”
“I’ve never felt so personally attacked by a dinner,” Chen reported, visibly shaken as he pushed the existential dread side dish – a bowl of cold, congealed soup with floating question marks made of pasta – around his plate. “They somehow knew about my 3 AM searches about whether I’m supposed to separate colors in the washing machine. How is that even legal?”
The restaurant’s mysterious head chef, known only as “Algorithm Al,” has refused all interview requests, communicating only through cryptic messages posted on various cooking forums. Sources close to the establishment reveal that the kitchen is equipped with dozens of computer terminals constantly scraping data from major search engines, social media platforms, and even deleted browser histories that customers thought were gone forever.
Dr. Miranda Castellanos, a digital privacy expert at Stanford University, warns that Search & Serve represents a terrifying new frontier in data exploitation. “What we’re seeing here is the weaponization of personal information in ways we never anticipated,” she explained during an emergency press conference. “They’re literally serving people their own psychological profiles. The fact that one customer received a dessert called ‘why don’t people like me’ based on their search patterns shows just how invasive this has become.”
The restaurant’s most disturbing case involves local teacher Patricia Gomez, whose meal consisted entirely of WebMD-inspired dishes. Her appetizer was “mysterious rash identification” – a plate of oddly-textured crackers covered in concerning red spots. The main course, dubbed “am I having a heart attack or anxiety,” featured a heart-shaped piece of meat that pulsed irregularly when touched, accompanied by vegetables arranged to spell out various symptoms she had frantically googled at 2 AM.
“I thought I was having a unique dining experience,” Gomez whispered, still traumatized weeks later. “Instead, they served me my hypochondria on a silver platter. Literally. The dessert was called ‘rare diseases that match my symptoms’ and it was just a bowl of ice cream that melted too quickly, like my hopes and dreams.”
Industry insiders suggest that Search & Serve is just the beginning. Rumors swirl about similar establishments planning to open nationwide, each promising to dig deeper into customers’ digital souls. Anonymous sources claim that sister restaurants are already in development, including one that will serve meals based on Amazon purchase histories and another that transforms Netflix viewing patterns into cocktails.
The local health department has launched an investigation, though officials admit they’re unsure which regulations might apply to psychological food torture. Meanwhile, the restaurant continues to accept reservations, with a waiting list that mysteriously seems to know exactly when potential customers are most emotionally vulnerable.
City Council member Janet Morrison has called for immediate action, stating that residents shouldn’t have to face their deepest fears during what should be a pleasant dining experience. However, her efforts may be too late – three more Search & Serve locations are reportedly set to open next month, each promising to make dining even more uncomfortably personal than the last.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
