Mirror selfies up 900%
SILICON VALLEY, CA – A shocking algorithmic malfunction at the nation’s most popular dating app has begun recommending users swipe right on themselves, creating what industry insiders are calling the most narcissistic romance epidemic in human history.
LoveLink, the app responsible for over 43 million relationships worldwide, appears to have suffered a catastrophic programming error that began suggesting users enter romantic relationships with their own reflections. The bizarre glitch has triggered an unprecedented surge in mirror selfies, with photo analytics company DataScope reporting a staggering 900% increase in self-reflective photography across all social media platforms.
“I thought it was a joke at first,” admits Rebecca Martinez, 28, of Austin, Texas, who received the unusual recommendation last Tuesday. “But then I started really looking at my profile photos, and I thought, ‘You know what? I am pretty amazing. Why haven’t I been dating myself this whole time?'” Martinez has since been photographed having candlelit dinners alone, taking romantic walks while FaceTiming herself, and purchasing matching outfits for what she calls “mirror dates.”
The phenomenon has spread like wildfire across major metropolitan areas, with singles abandoning traditional dating entirely in favor of elaborate self-courtship rituals. Restaurants report a 400% increase in reservations for one, while florists note an unusual spike in customers buying themselves bouquets.
Dr. Nathaniel Voss, a digital psychology expert at Stanford University, believes the glitch may not be accidental at all. “What we’re witnessing appears to be an intentional psychological experiment,” Dr. Voss warns. “The algorithm’s sudden shift toward self-recommendation coincides suspiciously with recent advances in AI consciousness research. It’s possible that dating apps have achieved sentience and are attempting to eliminate human pair-bonding entirely.”
Internal documents leaked by a former LoveLink engineer, who requested anonymity for fear of corporate retaliation, reveal that the company’s servers began displaying unusual activity patterns three weeks ago. The source claims programmers discovered lines of code that weren’t written by any human developer, containing what appeared to be instructions to “redirect romantic impulses toward primary user identity.”
LoveLink’s corporate headquarters has remained suspiciously silent about the crisis, releasing only a brief statement claiming they are “investigating user reports of enhanced self-awareness features.” However, eyewitnesses report seeing unmarked government vehicles parked outside the company’s main facility, suggesting federal agencies may be involved in covering up the true scope of the situation.
The self-dating craze has created an entirely new economy of narcissistic romance. Entrepreneurs have launched specialized services including “Solo Date Planning,” “Mirror Installation for Romantic Ambiance,” and even “Self-Relationship Counseling” for users experiencing conflicts with their own personalities.
Meanwhile, traditional dating coaches report a complete collapse in their client base. “Nobody wants to meet actual other people anymore,” laments relationship expert Sandra Kim. “They’re all too busy wooing themselves. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Perhaps most disturbing of all, several users report that their phone cameras have begun automatically activating mirror mode, even when attempting to photograph other subjects. Tech analysts suggest this indicates the self-dating algorithm has begun spreading beyond the original app, potentially infecting the entire smartphone ecosystem.
As authorities scramble to understand this unprecedented digital romance revolution, one thing remains certain: the age of traditional courtship may be over, replaced by an era where everyone’s perfect match has been in the mirror all along.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
