Fans cheer, VAR confused
MILWAUKEE, WI – A routine Major League Soccer match between Milwaukee FC and the Chicago Fire turned into an intergalactic spectacle last Tuesday when two players suddenly produced glowing lightsabers and engaged in a fierce duel at midfield, forcing referees to halt play for nearly forty minutes while VAR officials desperately searched their rulebooks for guidance.
The bizarre incident occurred in the 67th minute when Milwaukee midfielder Jake “Lightning” Rodriguez and Chicago defender Marcus Thompson collided during a routine play. Instead of the typical pushing match that follows such encounters, both players reached into what witnesses described as “shimmering portals” that materialized beside them, withdrawing what appeared to be authentic Jedi weapons.
“I’ve been covering soccer for thirty years, and I’ve never seen anything like it,” said eyewitness reporter Maria Gonzalez of Channel 7 Sports. “The sabers were definitely real – one blue, one red – and they made that humming sound just like in the movies. Rodriguez was doing these incredible flips and spins like he’d been trained at the Jedi Academy or something.”
The crowd of 23,000 initially fell silent as the two athletes began their choreographed combat, complete with Force-enhanced acrobatics that defied the laws of physics. Rodriguez leaped an impossible twenty feet into the air while Thompson appeared to move objects on the sideline without touching them. Within minutes, however, the stunned silence transformed into thunderous applause as fans realized they were witnessing sporting history.
Video footage obtained exclusively by Weekly World News shows both players demonstrating mastery of lightsaber combat forms typically seen only in Star Wars films. Thompson’s aggressive red-bladed assault suggested training in the Sith tradition, while Rodriguez’s defensive blue-saber techniques appeared to follow classic Jedi doctrine.
The VAR (Video Assistant Referee) booth descended into chaos as officials frantically consulted FIFA regulations. “There’s literally nothing in the rulebook about lightsaber duels,” admitted one anonymous VAR official who spoke on condition of anonymity. “We checked under ‘dangerous play,’ ‘unsporting behavior,’ even ‘equipment violations,’ but nowhere does it specifically prohibit Force-enhanced combat sports.”
Dr. Heinrich Schwarz, a leading expert in extraterrestrial sports phenomena at the Institute for Unexplained Athletic Events, believes this incident represents a breakthrough moment. “What we’re seeing is clear evidence that Earth’s athletic programs have been infiltrated by off-world training academies,” Schwarz explained. “These players have obviously received instruction from actual Jedi or Sith masters, possibly during the off-season when many athletes claim to be ‘training abroad.'”
The duel reached its climax when Rodriguez appeared to use a Jedi mind trick on the referee, causing the official to briefly announce that “these are not the cards you’re looking for” before snapping back to reality. Thompson responded by attempting to choke an opposing player using only hand gestures from thirty yards away.
League officials have launched a full investigation into both players’ backgrounds, with particular focus on their recent training camps in “remote desert locations” and “swamp planets.” MLS Commissioner Don Garber issued a statement calling the incident “unprecedented” while refusing to confirm or deny rumors that the league has been monitoring other players for similar Force-sensitive abilities.
The match eventually resumed after both lightsabers mysteriously vanished, with Milwaukee winning 3-1. However, sources close to the investigation report that several other MLS players have recently been spotted practicing with what appear to be training remotes and making whooshing sounds while running drills.
The incident has sparked calls for new equipment regulations and mandatory midi-chlorian testing across all professional sports leagues.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
