Celiac critics not impressed
HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a shocking turn of events that has sent tremors through both the entertainment industry and the gluten-sensitive community, sources confirm that acclaimed actor Bread Pitt has been cast as the lead in a high-budget action thriller specifically marketed to celiac sufferers. The film, tentatively titled “Gluten-Free or Die Hard,” represents what industry insiders are calling a calculated attempt to capitalize on the $6.2 billion gluten-free market.
However, the casting choice has sparked unprecedented controversy within celiac advocacy groups, who claim Pitt’s involvement is nothing more than a cynical cash grab that trivializes their legitimate medical condition. Underground sources suggest this may be part of a larger Hollywood conspiracy to co-opt dietary restriction movements for profit.
The film’s plot allegedly follows Pitt’s character, Detective Jake Sprouted, as he infiltrates a secret wheat cartel operating out of abandoned grain silos across the Midwest. Armed with nothing but an EpiPen and a portable gluten-testing kit, Sprouted must expose the conspiracy before contaminated flour destroys the nation’s celiac population. Production is set to begin next month at a converted quinoa processing facility in Montana.
“I saw Bread Pitt at the casting call, and let me tell you, something didn’t smell right,” reported Martha Wheatless, a self-described celiac activist who claims to have witnessed the actor’s audition while posing as a craft services coordinator. “He was eating what looked suspiciously like a regular bagel between takes. A real gluten-free advocate would never risk cross-contamination like that. This whole thing stinks of Big Wheat manipulation.”
The controversy deepened when leaked documents allegedly revealed that the film’s catering budget includes substantial funding for traditional wheat-based products, despite the movie’s gluten-free theme. Critics argue this represents the ultimate betrayal of the celiac community’s trust and values.
Dr. Quincy Sprouten, a controversial nutritionist and author of “The Gluten Conspiracy: How Big Wheat Controls Your Mind,” provided expert analysis of the situation. “This casting represents a clear attempt by Hollywood elites to normalize gluten consumption while pretending to support dietary diversity,” Sprouten explained during a clandestine meeting at an undisclosed rice flour mill. “Bread Pitt’s very name is a not-so-subtle reminder of wheat-based oppression. The fact that he’s been chosen for this role proves that the entertainment industry is completely infiltrated by pro-gluten forces.”
Studio executives have remained suspiciously silent about the mounting criticism, leading to speculation that higher powers may be pulling the strings. Anonymous sources within the production company suggest that several major grain manufacturers have secretly invested in the film, hoping to use reverse psychology to increase wheat consumption among impressionable audiences.
The film’s director, renowned for his previous work on “The Fast and the Flour-ious” franchise, allegedly received death threats from militant celiac extremists who view the project as an act of dietary terrorism. Security footage reportedly shows suspicious individuals in “Gluten-Free Zone” t-shirts conducting surveillance outside the production offices.
Adding fuel to the fire, nutritional conspiracy theorists have pointed out that Pitt’s casting announcement coincided with a mysterious spike in wheat futures trading, suggesting coordinated market manipulation. Some economists believe this represents the first phase of a complex scheme to corner the global grain market through subliminal movie messaging.
The celiac community’s response has been swift and merciless. Online forums dedicated to gluten-free living have exploded with angry posts denouncing the casting choice, with many members calling for a complete boycott of all Pitt films until he publicly undergoes genetic testing to prove his celiac status.
Industry analysts predict this controversy could spark a broader reckoning within Hollywood about the exploitation of dietary restriction communities for entertainment purposes. Whether Bread Pitt will survive the gluten-free backlash remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: the battle between wheat and anti-wheat forces has never been more intense.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
