Curse pending
LOS ANGELES, CA – Hollywood’s most famous humanitarian has made her most shocking acquisition yet, and insiders say the consequences could be catastrophic for the entire entertainment industry.
Sources close to Angelina Jolie confirm the Academy Award-winning actress has officially “adopted” a 3,000-year-old Mesopotamian death mask known as the “Weeping Eye of Marduk”—treating the cursed relic like one of her beloved children and keeping it in her $25 million Los Feliz mansion.
The ancient artifact, which archaeologists believe was used in ritual human sacrifices to appease vengeful spirits, was reportedly smuggled out of Iraq during the 2003 invasion and has since been linked to a string of mysterious deaths among its previous owners. Yet Jolie, 49, appears completely oblivious to the supernatural danger she’s invited into her home.
“She’s been talking about this thing like it’s a troubled teenager who just needs love and understanding,” revealed a former household staff member who spoke on condition of anonymity. “She actually had a bedroom prepared for it with Egyptian cotton sheets and fresh flowers. She calls it ‘Mardy’ and says good morning to it every day. It’s absolutely terrifying.”
The mask, carved from black obsidian and inlaid with what appear to be human teeth, was acquired through Jolie’s extensive network of antiquities dealers—contacts she’s cultivated during her work as a UN Goodwill Ambassador. However, experts in the occult warn that her good intentions may have unleashed something far more sinister than she realizes.
Dr. Bartholomew Grimm, a professor of Ancient Curses and Supernatural Archaeology at the University of Salem, explained the gravity of the situation: “The Weeping Eye of Marduk isn’t just cursed—it’s a spiritual vacuum that feeds on human misery. Every previous owner has met an untimely and gruesome end within six months of possession. We’re talking about spontaneous combustion, mysterious wasting diseases, and in one case, being trampled by a herd of wild boars in downtown Manhattan.”
Yet Jolie remains undeterred, sources say, viewing the adoption as another opportunity to provide care for something that has been “abandoned and misunderstood.” She’s reportedly installed the mask in a custom-built shrine in her master bedroom, complete with mood lighting and a sound system that plays Cambodian lullabies around the clock.
The curse appears to already be taking effect. Neighbors report strange phenomena surrounding the Jolie compound: unexplained temperature drops, swarms of locusts appearing in geometric patterns, and the family’s pet dogs refusing to enter certain rooms. Most disturbing of all, several housekeepers have quit after claiming they heard the mask whispering ancient Sumerian incantations during the full moon.
“The children are starting to act differently too,” the former staff member continued. “They’ve been drawing pictures of shadowy figures and speaking in what sounds like ancient languages. Last week, I found one of them trying to build what looked like an altar in the garden using kitchen knives and their mother’s jewelry.”
Despite mounting evidence of supernatural activity, Jolie’s representatives maintain that the adoption is purely humanitarian in nature. A spokesperson for the actress issued a brief statement: “Ms. Jolie has always been committed to caring for those who cannot care for themselves, regardless of their origin or circumstances. She finds her relationship with the artifact emotionally rewarding and has no plans to rehome it.”
Occult investigators from around the world are now converging on Los Angeles, warning that the curse’s influence could spread throughout Hollywood if immediate action isn’t taken. However, with Jolie’s well-documented stubborn streak and maternal instincts now focused on protecting her supernatural “child,” experts fear it may already be too late to prevent a catastrophe of biblical proportions.
The clock is ticking, and according to ancient texts, the curse reaches its full power at the next solar eclipse—just three months away.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
