Calls it “an ironic investment”
SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS – In a shocking turn of events that has left paranormal investigators and business analysts equally baffled, a centuries-old vampire has reportedly opened a state-of-the-art tanning salon in the heart of this historically supernatural town. The undead entrepreneur, who goes by the business name “Vlad Bronzewell” but claims his real identity must remain secret for obvious reasons, has invested over $200,000 in top-tier UV equipment and luxury amenities.
The salon, ominously named “Eternal Glow,” opened its doors last Tuesday at the stroke of midnight – a detail that initially raised eyebrows among late-night passersby. What started as curious whispers quickly escalated into full-blown supernatural speculation when neighbors noticed the owner only appeared after sunset and seemed to conduct all business dealings in complete darkness.
“I was walking my dog around 11:30 PM when I saw this pale, gaunt figure unlocking the place,” reported local resident Martha Hensley, 54, who lives directly across from the establishment. “He moved with this unnatural grace, almost floating across the sidewalk. When he turned toward the street light, I swear I couldn’t see his reflection in the salon’s front window. My poodle started whimpering and refused to walk past the building.”
The mysterious Mr. Bronzewell agreed to an exclusive interview with this reporter, though he insisted on meeting in the salon’s basement office well after closing hours. Dressed in an immaculate black suit with a crimson silk tie, he spoke with a slight Eastern European accent while maintaining an unnaturally steady gaze.
“People think this is contradiction, yes? Vampire opening tanning business?” Bronzewell chuckled, revealing what appeared to be unusually sharp canine teeth. “But I call it ironic investment. For 847 years, I have been avoiding the sun, watching mortals worship the very thing that would destroy me. Now I profit from their obsession.”
When pressed about his supernatural status, Bronzewell neither confirmed nor denied the vampire allegations, instead deflecting with business talk about market demographics and profit margins. However, he did admit that he finds a “delicious irony” in helping humans achieve the golden glow he can never possess.
The salon’s equipment includes twelve high-end tanning beds, two state-of-the-art spray tan booths, and what Bronzewell describes as “specialized UV chambers for the most discriminating clientele.” Strangely, all appointments must be booked between sunrise and sunset, with the owner explaining that he reserves evening hours for “equipment maintenance and inventory management.”
Dr. Elena Ravenscroft, a folklore professor at nearby Miskatonic University who specializes in modern vampire sociology, believes this development represents a significant shift in supernatural-human relations.
“Traditional vampires have always existed in opposition to human desires, particularly regarding sunlight and tanning,” Dr. Ravenscroft explained. “This apparent embrace of the tanning industry suggests either an evolution in vampire psychology or possibly the emergence of a new breed of commercially-minded undead. It’s unprecedented in my thirty years of research.”
Local business owners report mixed reactions to their nocturnal neighbor. Several have noted unusual cold spots near the salon and complained about electronic equipment malfunctioning when Bronzewell passes by. Others praise his immaculate storefront maintenance and professional signage.
The Massachusetts Department of Health confirmed that Eternal Glow has passed all required inspections, though inspector James Morrison noted several “irregularities” in his report, including the owner’s insistence on conducting the walkthrough by candlelight and the unusually cold temperature maintained throughout the facility.
Town records show the business license was filed by a law firm specializing in “non-traditional client representation,” with all financial backing traced to offshore accounts established in Transylvania-based banks.
Despite the supernatural speculation, Eternal Glow has already booked solid appointments through Halloween, proving that Salem residents are willing to overlook potential vampire ownership in exchange for competitive tanning rates and extended midnight hours.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
