Every attempt becomes regular humans
DALLAS, TEXAS – A classified government research facility has been forced to abandon a decades-long cloning program after every single attempt to replicate action star Chuck Norris resulted in the creation of ordinary, non-superhuman individuals, according to leaked documents obtained by this reporter.
The top-secret project, code-named “Operation Roundhouse,” was reportedly initiated in 1987 by a joint task force comprising scientists from the Pentagon’s Advanced Research Projects Agency and an unnamed biotechnology corporation. Their mission: harness the legendary martial artist’s seemingly supernatural abilities through genetic replication.
Dr. Helena Vostok, a former researcher who fled the program last month, revealed the shocking truth during a clandestine meeting at an undisclosed location. “We tried everything,” she whispered, constantly glancing over her shoulder. “Hair follicles from movie sets, skin cells scraped from his workout equipment, even DNA extracted from his sweat after Texas Ranger filming sessions. Every clone that emerged was just… normal. Regular strength, regular reflexes, completely vulnerable to conventional weapons.”
The implications are staggering. According to internal memos dated between 1989 and 2023, the facility produced over 400 Chuck Norris clones, yet not a single specimen exhibited the original’s reality-bending capabilities. None could deliver roundhouse kicks that registered on seismic equipment. None possessed the ability to divide by zero or count to infinity twice. Most disturbing of all, several clones were observed actually losing at arm-wrestling competitions.
“It defies every known law of genetics,” admitted Dr. Marcus Blackwell, a molecular biologist who claims to have consulted on the project before ethical concerns forced his resignation. “Norris appears to possess some kind of metaphysical immunity to replication. It’s as if the universe itself refuses to allow multiple versions of him to exist simultaneously.”
The failed experiments reportedly cost taxpayers an estimated $847 million over three decades. Worse yet, the 400+ failed clones have been quietly integrated into society, living normal lives completely unaware of their extraordinary genetic heritage. Some sources suggest these individuals can be identified by their inexplicable urge to wear cowboy hats and their tendency to solve problems with unnecessary violence, though they lack their progenitor’s supernatural effectiveness.
Military insiders reveal that the program’s failure has sent shockwaves through the highest levels of government. “The Pentagon was banking on an army of Chuck Norris soldiers,” confided one anonymous source within the Department of Defense. “Imagine the tactical advantage of deploying hundreds of men who could kill with a glance or perform cardiac surgery with their bare hands. Instead, we got a bunch of guys who are really into karate but terrible at it.”
Perhaps most disturbing are reports suggesting that Chuck Norris himself may be aware of these cloning attempts. Witnesses at the Dallas research facility claim that every time scientists attempted to extract genetic material, their equipment would mysteriously malfunction. Security cameras allegedly captured footage of centrifuges spontaneously combusting and DNA sequencers displaying error messages that simply read “INSUFFICIENT AWESOME LEVELS DETECTED.”
The government has predictably denied all allegations, with Pentagon spokesperson Colonel Janet Hughes dismissing the claims as “fabricated nonsense from disgruntled former employees.” However, her statement was undermined when she accidentally referred to the non-existent program by its classified codename during the press briefing.
Scientists theorize that Norris’s immunity to cloning may be connected to his rumored ability to manipulate fundamental forces of nature. Some researchers suggest his DNA contains quantum properties that cannot be replicated through conventional means, while others propose that his genetic code exists in a state of perpetual motion, making stable replication impossible.
The revelation raises profound questions about the nature of human enhancement and whether certain individuals transcend the boundaries of conventional biology. As one former researcher noted, “We may have been trying to clone something that isn’t entirely human to begin with.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
